今天过得真得很开心。谢谢你。
施鹏走了。我突然开始有点想多伦多了。
So somehow. 2008 has come to an end. almost without me noticing.
属于中国，属于北京的这么一年就这么结束了。
Thinking back this year has been a complete blur.
I barely remember anything that happened before my arrival in bj. LOL.
I went around to my other blogs, looking for this end-yr-recap thing that I know I do every year, and apparently can't find it anywhere .o. *edit-found: see below*.
There goes my memory. lol. maybe i really should get some more sleep....
Or maybe I'm just getting old.
Each year used to seem so long when I was a kid.
but then again. i guess each yr still seems really long, esp since each yr is divided into 3 sections now =P.
first part of the yr / 2nd term of 2nd yr was a complete blur. 140% courseload might make life somewhat blurry. lol. all I remember, really, from that part of 2008, was the anticipation at new years, waiting to know exchange spots. and then the last week-ish of exam studying. =). but anyway. according to random bits and pieces of xanga i came across, i really enjoyed 2nd yr of university o.O.
my 2006 according to xanga.
[o1] clarification. lin bday. uni apps. first acceptance. idp presentations. congee king dinner + mix2
[o2] relapse. deca. " really don't treat u w/ enuff respect". 18. uni deadlines. vy gala. pho visits =)
[o3] dt harbourfront. ah gor's hot pot. voh prep. lovely packed march break -didn't rmb until reread. tin can mgmt. deca elections. voh. begin. daddie+brazil. ivey
[o4] AP calc angerrrrr. qc offer. "*stares*". queen's visit. chris. green quest. daddie leaves.
[o5] end. kyle ma's bday thing. mr. evst's tragedy. mcDs study dates. michael.
[o6] june rush hell. prom shopping. grad stuff. G2. ernest reunion. kelsey. wonderland's sun.
[o7] beijing. xi'an. chongqing. hk.
[o8] lijiang. qunming. shilin. chongqing. beijing. elementary school reunion. toronto.
[o9] pre-uni events. tears. surprise visits. frosh week. my own sunrise. enter mo.
[1o] gloomy kingston. car. midterms. shelly visit. csr.
[11] blackout. mindless school.
[12] finals. xmas.
Let's try my 2007.
... due to my boycott of xanga. review complemented by "contra"-xanga sources.
[o1] "life could be so beautiful". job apps. first thinkagain. full circle.
[o2] roots. midterms x2. realizations. homesickness. spring festival. 19. rewinded. apps contd.
[o3] ... boycott of xanga... o.O. pg apps. failures contd. tea room. reckless. pg offer.
[o4] BJR. stupidity contd. drama. explosion. exams. stauff club. 1st yr completed. move in.
[o5] PG begin. re-entrance. paper perfect. STILL. why?
[o6] wasaga x2. dallas. surprise dinner + aftershocks. video.
[o7] VY team extreme. still. relapses. vacation coverage madness. kingston wknd. grudge.
[o8] survival camp. hikes. CBDLT presentation. re-offer. reminisce. bark lake. CQ collapse.
[o9] 2nd yr + the love. shelly's 19 + sunrise. car-rides. goal-search. daisy.
[1o] karma. love for 2nd yr+fall contd. lists. midterms x3. decision.
[11] simple smiles. dreams. thksgiving. daisy visit. efforts. messiness. kj.
[12] finals. xmas. blue mountain. gibberish.
[ btw. looking back. i don't/barely rmb all this. it all feels like so long ago. but the memories that it does bring back is pretty amazing ]
2008.
[o1] ended. 7 courses. ww. karma. bats. truth. safety in hecticness. waiting.
[o2] exchg results. midterms x4. 2o. realizations. queen's cny. fireworks.
[o3] vy gala. politicize. grrr western media. vball.
[o4] utsc. ottawa protest. 7 exams. stauff. morrisons. u+u. kingston.
[o5] move out/in. PGx2. utsg. replay. exhaustion.
[o6] rewinded. lunches. dinners. bff. "not my life". rez drop-ins.
[o7] "n yrs later". vy. utsgx2. dirty dancing. summerlicious. bark lake.
[o8] o8o8o8. olympics > sleep. crammed goodbyes. BJ. live olympics!
[o9] cq. homeless. settling in. openning ceremony. simple happiness.
[1o] guilin. work. emails. webcam. bridge. shidu. friends. pyro.
[11] freedom. chill. simatai. attachment. datong. thksgiving. procrastinate.
[12] zjj-fh-sh. rainbow. firsts. whale wk. skating. cqx2. goodbyes.
this... took a very long time. but it was definitely worthwhile.
a lot of it was so blurred... and actually. the me 6 months ago feel like a different person.
a lot has happened. a lot has changed.
according to xanga. i had anticipated 2008 to be a defining yr.
i don't know abt that. but it has certainly been an amazing one.
thank YOU. for being a part of it all.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
uselessness.
as she sits at the same dinning table
as this man eating his breakfast.
the same man that taught her to read her name.
... and her first 50 Chinese characters.
the same man that got into a car accident picking her up.
the same man that just months ago,
... barely comprehensible, barely coherent
... reading with the help of a magnifying glass and thick glasses,
... flipping the thin pages with trembling, shaky hands,
... still trying to teach her "lun yu" (Analects of Confucious)
the same man that she flew 1500km to spend a weekend with
... originally hoping to celebrate his 85th.
... as she sits there watching.
they are silent.
... as she watches him fall asleep eating breakfast.
she can't think of anything to say.
... as he wakes up, and continues to eat
she struggles to formulate a sentence in her mind.
so she sits in silence.
and watch this man eat breakfast.
with all the love... and all the helplessness
of a favourite granddaughter
... hoping... against all hope.
that thru his glassy eyes.... despite multiple heart failures...
he does see her. happy. to see her
that he knows she's there. and can still feel her love.
as this man eating his breakfast.
the same man that taught her to read her name.
... and her first 50 Chinese characters.
the same man that got into a car accident picking her up.
the same man that just months ago,
... barely comprehensible, barely coherent
... reading with the help of a magnifying glass and thick glasses,
... flipping the thin pages with trembling, shaky hands,
... still trying to teach her "lun yu" (Analects of Confucious)
the same man that she flew 1500km to spend a weekend with
... originally hoping to celebrate his 85th.
... as she sits there watching.
they are silent.
... as she watches him fall asleep eating breakfast.
she can't think of anything to say.
... as he wakes up, and continues to eat
she struggles to formulate a sentence in her mind.
so she sits in silence.
and watch this man eat breakfast.
with all the love... and all the helplessness
of a favourite granddaughter
... hoping... against all hope.
that thru his glassy eyes.... despite multiple heart failures...
he does see her. happy. to see her
that he knows she's there. and can still feel her love.
stress talk.
yesterday - fsa essay due
this morning - fsa ppt due
8pm tonight - 5pg chinese analysis due
today - aunt bday - lunch & dinner celebrations
tonight - pick up grandpa from hospital
tmr 11am - flight back to beijing
tmr 4pm - arrival back around pku
tmr 8pm - 100% ibank exam
24th - fsa presentation
somewhere along the way.
i'll find time to copy notes and study.
i'll physically recover and not write exam w/ fever.
... i hate it when my body crashes on me.
i've got all the will to go on.
my body just likes to complain at the most inappropriate times.
somehow.
i'll pull thru.
cuz i'm supergirl. =]
this morning - fsa ppt due
8pm tonight - 5pg chinese analysis due
today - aunt bday - lunch & dinner celebrations
tonight - pick up grandpa from hospital
tmr 11am - flight back to beijing
tmr 4pm - arrival back around pku
tmr 8pm - 100% ibank exam
24th - fsa presentation
somewhere along the way.
i'll find time to copy notes and study.
i'll physically recover and not write exam w/ fever.
... i hate it when my body crashes on me.
i've got all the will to go on.
my body just likes to complain at the most inappropriate times.
somehow.
i'll pull thru.
cuz i'm supergirl. =]
Friday, December 19, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
love.
was on my way to go meet my grandparents and extended family on the opposite side of beijing by public transit when i managed to get lost trying to switch buses.
as i wandered my way further into lostness.... i stumbled my way into the back streets of beijing, one of those lil pockets that have yet to be dominated by modernity, expats, and internationalization, as the areas where i currently frequent all appear to have been.
the streets... the atmosphere of the surroundings. the sunshining down, the scattered bicyclists, the grey walls, the bright red doors and the shingled roofs.
i had no idea where i was. but the entire place screamed familiarity to me and waves of faded memories that i didn't know existed crashed through me like a train. the street name... and other signs around the area... i swear i don't know. but sound all so familiar.
this felt like a part of Beijing that had been preserved in time, untainted and still, quietly observing the rapid changes taking over the city and its people over the past couple of decades. People from all over China and the rest of the world have come to this city, taken away from it, added to it.... but still, this part of beijing, along with the locals that still reside in the siheyuaners they have lived in for generations, are just calmly going about their lives and sitting back and watching it all happen.
i read somewhere abt beijing people... how they are... inherently proud. born and bred beside the emperial palace, center of the Chinese universe. but they're not possessive and proud like the shanghainese. they are not bitter at the newcomers. they accept. they live and let live. in a way. the world around them is changing too fast to their traditional ways that they grew up in. and the familiar things are falling away, replaced by the newer and better. but still they live their lives with what they have. still walking the hutongs and greeting strangers in their friendly and almost familial tones...
i realized that.... this was the beijing that i saw from the back of my mom's bicycle. this is the beijing that i grew up in. this is the beijing i knew and love. .
this was my world.
.... i had no idea where i was. but this was my world. my love.
i could have wandered around forever =).
but unfortunately i was in a rush and un-lost myself after a couple of questions answered by locals on the street with that familiar accent, and in more friendly tones and details than I have encountered in Beijing all term.
finally go to the station i was looking for and got on my bus. turns out I was 2 stops away from my elementary school, and the bus actually passed my mom's hospital and then my school. I can't believe i havne't been back to visit yet... i can't believe how small it appears... lol... used to seem like such a huge fortress of mysteries with gods and goddesses that would determine my entire future. haha..... must go vist teacher asap.
heard real beijingnese for the first time in ages that afternoon.
i hadn't realized how much i had missed talking like this. my mandarin have become severely adapted to straight mandarin and even some twneseness. -_-". for shame.
i never realized how much was contained in an accent, a way of speaking. and how much that goes straight to the heart.
this is what i love most about beijing.
i realized that i would give up all the penthouses in the world to live in a siheyuaner.
all the busy streets and bright city lights for a narrow, crowded, old hutong.
原来这就是家的感觉.
这是另外一种爱的感觉.
是一种.... 没有理由, 没有道理, 执着的爱.
很傻. 但是我喜欢.
wanna go get lost with me again? =)
as i wandered my way further into lostness.... i stumbled my way into the back streets of beijing, one of those lil pockets that have yet to be dominated by modernity, expats, and internationalization, as the areas where i currently frequent all appear to have been.
the streets... the atmosphere of the surroundings. the sunshining down, the scattered bicyclists, the grey walls, the bright red doors and the shingled roofs.
i had no idea where i was. but the entire place screamed familiarity to me and waves of faded memories that i didn't know existed crashed through me like a train. the street name... and other signs around the area... i swear i don't know. but sound all so familiar.
this felt like a part of Beijing that had been preserved in time, untainted and still, quietly observing the rapid changes taking over the city and its people over the past couple of decades. People from all over China and the rest of the world have come to this city, taken away from it, added to it.... but still, this part of beijing, along with the locals that still reside in the siheyuaners they have lived in for generations, are just calmly going about their lives and sitting back and watching it all happen.
i read somewhere abt beijing people... how they are... inherently proud. born and bred beside the emperial palace, center of the Chinese universe. but they're not possessive and proud like the shanghainese. they are not bitter at the newcomers. they accept. they live and let live. in a way. the world around them is changing too fast to their traditional ways that they grew up in. and the familiar things are falling away, replaced by the newer and better. but still they live their lives with what they have. still walking the hutongs and greeting strangers in their friendly and almost familial tones...
i realized that.... this was the beijing that i saw from the back of my mom's bicycle. this is the beijing that i grew up in. this is the beijing i knew and love. .
this was my world.
.... i had no idea where i was. but this was my world. my love.
i could have wandered around forever =).
but unfortunately i was in a rush and un-lost myself after a couple of questions answered by locals on the street with that familiar accent, and in more friendly tones and details than I have encountered in Beijing all term.
finally go to the station i was looking for and got on my bus. turns out I was 2 stops away from my elementary school, and the bus actually passed my mom's hospital and then my school. I can't believe i havne't been back to visit yet... i can't believe how small it appears... lol... used to seem like such a huge fortress of mysteries with gods and goddesses that would determine my entire future. haha..... must go vist teacher asap.
heard real beijingnese for the first time in ages that afternoon.
i hadn't realized how much i had missed talking like this. my mandarin have become severely adapted to straight mandarin and even some twneseness. -_-". for shame.
i never realized how much was contained in an accent, a way of speaking. and how much that goes straight to the heart.
this is what i love most about beijing.
i realized that i would give up all the penthouses in the world to live in a siheyuaner.
all the busy streets and bright city lights for a narrow, crowded, old hutong.
原来这就是家的感觉.
这是另外一种爱的感觉.
是一种.... 没有理由, 没有道理, 执着的爱.
很傻. 但是我喜欢.
wanna go get lost with me again? =)
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
jumboed thoughts. shades of the rainbow =P.
I appear to be having trouble formulating proper English sentences and paragraphs lately. so... to save most people from attempting to understand Chinese, this random clusters of thoughts will have to do for now. (edit: can skip right to #7. new revelation =D)
1. it's good to be home.
complete with my overflowing room, the temperamental hot water, the pretend-to-be-heating heating, the five flights of stairs, etc etc.... it's good to be back. =).
home is cozy and housemates are sweet. (and one of them just made me dessert =D)
2. kingston transposed to beijing.
does that even make sense? so happy that will is here. was so excited all the way to the airport today and then seeing him standing in the middle of nowhere was just. lmao. happy =D. in a way tho. it feels as if the past 4 months didn't actually happen, or like... nothing has changed. picked up right where we left off. for me anyway. it's nice =D. looking forward to an amazing next 6 days =P.
3. it's weird how often i forget / allow myself to not believe that i matter. lmao. so lil surprises here and there that remind me r... simply amazing. somehow i am able to believe that after 2.5 yrs of being together almost everyday that if i were to disappear he wouldn't notice. and am still surprised when he calls and reluctantly admits that he almost misses me. lol. and in previous post when i mentioned that there's barely anyone around for xmas.... somehow i neglected to realize that all the most important ppl in my life at this pt are actually all still here o.O. seriously tho? i have the best friends in the world and whether it's a txt, an email, a wall post, a skype conversation.... really makes all the difference in the world.
yet somehow... even with all this. sometimes i still forget i have friends o.O. wtf o.O.?
4. i said last time that maybe i am living my life in search of diff feelings and experiences.
i realize today that there's more. no idea what.
still chasing. still searching. still blindly grasping on to anything that feels real.
wow that last part came out by itself.
so.... is that what i'm searching for? something real? o.O. ... if so.. then what does that make everything i'm living thru now?
5. beijing stars r so pretty. seriously. hoping for a blue day tmr. past week-ish have been not so blue and beijing was having a couple of its gray days in preparation for the first snow fall today. (btw. SNOW today =D. tho it failed to accumulate to any thing... but it snowwed!!!! =D.).... weather is seriously affecting me. needing a pretty and blue day to get me out of this temporary drop. or maybe it's the lack of clubbing. totally should've ditched that mtg last night and gone salsa. gosh. k. starting tmr night. every single night. =D i look forward to this.
6. maybe i'm just lacking sleep. =P. gd night =)
7. edit.
"control ur emotions". u've been telling me this all day. and all day i've been like. i don't want to. so suddenly. thinking. i don't believe in this. i don't want to live life in ur blacks and whites and grays. i want to live in my rainbow spectrum of everything in between. i think that if someone lives life trying to protect themselves from getting hurt. life then loses meaning and fade. life wasn't meant to be simple. maybe that's y i've been feeling the way i've been feeling. so suddenly. it's okay =D. this is how life was supposed to be. if i was seriously that happy everyday in beijing i'd question my sanity. lol. so yes. new revelation. no. i will not control my emotions. i think this is y we're different. like i said last post. maybe i collect different kinds of feelings and emotions for a living. so yes. suddenly it's okay. i WILL go out there and be fine with making a fool out of myself if i'm happy. just like how u guys were all so against my "winter gear" today. LOL. i had so much fun. laughing at the ppl that were laughing at me. that's fine. so yes. past lil while i've been trying to do some kind of damage ctrl. some kind of protectionist measures to make sure that all these nothings and all these distractions remain just that and even the new friendships that have been established here i don't become dependent on... soo.... maybe another reason to pull myself away from beijing and other things may have been to make sure that i don't get attached and then be hurt again when the separation comes very soon.
i suddenly realize that it's these protectionist measures that have made me somewhat strange lately o.O. so yes. w/e.
i want to live my life in rainbows =D.
so i'll take the downs with the highs. =D. i'm fine with crashing and falling. who cares.
it's a small price to pay for the happy/funny/random/weird/outrageous moments that make life worth living.
so whatever.
starting now. no fear. no regret. living purely for the moment. whatever makes me happy. at this pt in time. that's all it matters. =D
(... i started out like this. o.O. what happened that made me stop? o.O. lol. can't rmb and don't care enough to figure out. pt is. thanks for the reminder =D)
1. it's good to be home.
complete with my overflowing room, the temperamental hot water, the pretend-to-be-heating heating, the five flights of stairs, etc etc.... it's good to be back. =).
home is cozy and housemates are sweet. (and one of them just made me dessert =D)
2. kingston transposed to beijing.
does that even make sense? so happy that will is here. was so excited all the way to the airport today and then seeing him standing in the middle of nowhere was just. lmao. happy =D. in a way tho. it feels as if the past 4 months didn't actually happen, or like... nothing has changed. picked up right where we left off. for me anyway. it's nice =D. looking forward to an amazing next 6 days =P.
3. it's weird how often i forget / allow myself to not believe that i matter. lmao. so lil surprises here and there that remind me r... simply amazing. somehow i am able to believe that after 2.5 yrs of being together almost everyday that if i were to disappear he wouldn't notice. and am still surprised when he calls and reluctantly admits that he almost misses me. lol. and in previous post when i mentioned that there's barely anyone around for xmas.... somehow i neglected to realize that all the most important ppl in my life at this pt are actually all still here o.O. seriously tho? i have the best friends in the world and whether it's a txt, an email, a wall post, a skype conversation.... really makes all the difference in the world.
yet somehow... even with all this. sometimes i still forget i have friends o.O. wtf o.O.?
4. i said last time that maybe i am living my life in search of diff feelings and experiences.
i realize today that there's more. no idea what.
still chasing. still searching. still blindly grasping on to anything that feels real.
wow that last part came out by itself.
so.... is that what i'm searching for? something real? o.O. ... if so.. then what does that make everything i'm living thru now?
5. beijing stars r so pretty. seriously. hoping for a blue day tmr. past week-ish have been not so blue and beijing was having a couple of its gray days in preparation for the first snow fall today. (btw. SNOW today =D. tho it failed to accumulate to any thing... but it snowwed!!!! =D.).... weather is seriously affecting me. needing a pretty and blue day to get me out of this temporary drop. or maybe it's the lack of clubbing. totally should've ditched that mtg last night and gone salsa. gosh. k. starting tmr night. every single night. =D i look forward to this.
6. maybe i'm just lacking sleep. =P. gd night =)
7. edit.
"control ur emotions". u've been telling me this all day. and all day i've been like. i don't want to. so suddenly. thinking. i don't believe in this. i don't want to live life in ur blacks and whites and grays. i want to live in my rainbow spectrum of everything in between. i think that if someone lives life trying to protect themselves from getting hurt. life then loses meaning and fade. life wasn't meant to be simple. maybe that's y i've been feeling the way i've been feeling. so suddenly. it's okay =D. this is how life was supposed to be. if i was seriously that happy everyday in beijing i'd question my sanity. lol. so yes. new revelation. no. i will not control my emotions. i think this is y we're different. like i said last post. maybe i collect different kinds of feelings and emotions for a living. so yes. suddenly it's okay. i WILL go out there and be fine with making a fool out of myself if i'm happy. just like how u guys were all so against my "winter gear" today. LOL. i had so much fun. laughing at the ppl that were laughing at me. that's fine. so yes. past lil while i've been trying to do some kind of damage ctrl. some kind of protectionist measures to make sure that all these nothings and all these distractions remain just that and even the new friendships that have been established here i don't become dependent on... soo.... maybe another reason to pull myself away from beijing and other things may have been to make sure that i don't get attached and then be hurt again when the separation comes very soon.
i suddenly realize that it's these protectionist measures that have made me somewhat strange lately o.O. so yes. w/e.
i want to live my life in rainbows =D.
so i'll take the downs with the highs. =D. i'm fine with crashing and falling. who cares.
it's a small price to pay for the happy/funny/random/weird/outrageous moments that make life worth living.
so whatever.
starting now. no fear. no regret. living purely for the moment. whatever makes me happy. at this pt in time. that's all it matters. =D
(... i started out like this. o.O. what happened that made me stop? o.O. lol. can't rmb and don't care enough to figure out. pt is. thanks for the reminder =D)
Sunday, December 7, 2008
feeling.
我今天突然发现。。。
原来，我一直在寻找感觉。
也许我是一个收藏家。
不停的想去经验一些不同的感觉，然后把他们都一一收藏起来。
嗯。经历过了，感受过了，收起来了。
早上。车子在上海的高速路上飞着。
太阳懒洋洋的透过车窗晒着，耳机放着"稻香"。。。
突然flashback。想起小时候北京的家里。
周末也是这样的太阳，懒洋洋的晒着，爸爸妈妈陪着哄着。
想起来曾经窗外一直有一只啄木鸟，经常把我们吵起来。
我曾经好喜欢周末的早上。
那是一家人简简单单的小幸福。
晚上，漫步在大大上海的街上。
上海的Christmas气氛好浓啊。。。
到处的彩灯挂着，人们提着大大小小的购物袋。
手捧着Starbucks的咖啡，怀念着CoGro/Tea Room/Kingston的London Fog.
路过一颗又一颗亮晶晶的圣诞树。。。
尽情的感受着一个人的孤独。
手机响了。一连串的短信。
朋友的"问候"，很温暖，笑了。
但却还是赶不走我在寻找的感觉。
夜了，坐在窗边看着外面的灯和车。
抱着电脑想搜索到什么update, 陪我一下就好。
这两天。不知道为什么。
在允许自己想念。
有些话说出来对谁都没有好处。
所以我突然变得很安静。
我知道。
在北京的时间不多了。
身边几个很好的朋友也很快要走了。
我这时候不应该一个人在外面瞎疯。
应该在北京。珍惜每一分每一秒。
也许只是面对不了这种现实。
也许只是不想被留下来，所以我走。
上海让我发现Christmas真的快到了。
在北京几乎感受不到的气氛上海满街都是。
我执着着非得回北京过圣诞。
却发现好像没有几个人还会在北京了。
不敢祈求北京会有White Christmas，
从小也没信过Santa Claus的存在.
但是心底的愿望还是希望可以成真。
爷爷奶奶回北京了。
我离开的那天他们回来的。
原来，我一直在寻找感觉。
也许我是一个收藏家。
不停的想去经验一些不同的感觉，然后把他们都一一收藏起来。
嗯。经历过了，感受过了，收起来了。
早上。车子在上海的高速路上飞着。
太阳懒洋洋的透过车窗晒着，耳机放着"稻香"。。。
突然flashback。想起小时候北京的家里。
周末也是这样的太阳，懒洋洋的晒着，爸爸妈妈陪着哄着。
想起来曾经窗外一直有一只啄木鸟，经常把我们吵起来。
我曾经好喜欢周末的早上。
那是一家人简简单单的小幸福。
晚上，漫步在大大上海的街上。
上海的Christmas气氛好浓啊。。。
到处的彩灯挂着，人们提着大大小小的购物袋。
手捧着Starbucks的咖啡，怀念着CoGro/Tea Room/Kingston的London Fog.
路过一颗又一颗亮晶晶的圣诞树。。。
尽情的感受着一个人的孤独。
手机响了。一连串的短信。
朋友的"问候"，很温暖，笑了。
但却还是赶不走我在寻找的感觉。
夜了，坐在窗边看着外面的灯和车。
抱着电脑想搜索到什么update, 陪我一下就好。
这两天。不知道为什么。
在允许自己想念。
有些话说出来对谁都没有好处。
所以我突然变得很安静。
我知道。
在北京的时间不多了。
身边几个很好的朋友也很快要走了。
我这时候不应该一个人在外面瞎疯。
应该在北京。珍惜每一分每一秒。
也许只是面对不了这种现实。
也许只是不想被留下来，所以我走。
上海让我发现Christmas真的快到了。
在北京几乎感受不到的气氛上海满街都是。
我执着着非得回北京过圣诞。
却发现好像没有几个人还会在北京了。
不敢祈求北京会有White Christmas，
从小也没信过Santa Claus的存在.
但是心底的愿望还是希望可以成真。
爷爷奶奶回北京了。
我离开的那天他们回来的。
Saturday, December 6, 2008
2am in Shanghai.
life w/o internet is different.
getting back internet after abt 5 days w/o internet is... strange.
surprisingly... didn't miss it too much.
wanted the solidarity. was looking forward to getting away.
not sure what i mean to say.
it's 2am.
i'm in shanghai.
family is difficult.
there's a lot i want to say.
there's a lot i want to write about this trip.
but in the meantime.
...
family is difficult.
and also.
all the words in the world.
sometimes, however...
s i l e n c e .
says more than words ever could.
and i get it.
=)
.
getting back internet after abt 5 days w/o internet is... strange.
surprisingly... didn't miss it too much.
wanted the solidarity. was looking forward to getting away.
not sure what i mean to say.
it's 2am.
i'm in shanghai.
family is difficult.
there's a lot i want to say.
there's a lot i want to write about this trip.
but in the meantime.
...
family is difficult.
and also.
all the words in the world.
sometimes, however...
s i l e n c e .
says more than words ever could.
and i get it.
=)
.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
VY love.
came across these videos...
Vancouver 2005
Vancouver 2007
Free Hugs 2007
I wish I had words and the time to express how much VY means to me. how much these memories matter. but i need to seriously start studying. ....
5 years of VY... 5 years of amazingness. from being a participant, going through it all, complaining about it all, to loving it all... to now... watching as the "next generations" go through it... and still being amazed to be apart of this absolutely wonderful experience.
... i lack the words.
i also wonder where the videos from my years are. LOL. must hunt them down... can you spot me in the first video? =P
oh the memories.
I think the thing i'm actually most upset about being on exchange... is missing out on VY Gala this year.
VY Counsellors 08. <3
PKU people: anyone up for Free Hugs in Beijing? let's do it. Wangfujing. before Christmas.
Vancouver 2005
Vancouver 2007
Free Hugs 2007
I wish I had words and the time to express how much VY means to me. how much these memories matter. but i need to seriously start studying. ....
5 years of VY... 5 years of amazingness. from being a participant, going through it all, complaining about it all, to loving it all... to now... watching as the "next generations" go through it... and still being amazed to be apart of this absolutely wonderful experience.
... i lack the words.
i also wonder where the videos from my years are. LOL. must hunt them down... can you spot me in the first video? =P
oh the memories.
I think the thing i'm actually most upset about being on exchange... is missing out on VY Gala this year.
VY Counsellors 08. <3
PKU people: anyone up for Free Hugs in Beijing? let's do it. Wangfujing. before Christmas.
the art of living in China.
As developed as a lot of China, especially most of Beijing, has become, there are still small quirks here and there that are just... different from North America, and I have been surprised to learn.
or maybe these are just common sense things about living on your own that I am just now learning. (i.e. I can't drive my laundry 3 hours back to Toronto anymore. lol.)
1. Heating.
Luckily, Beijing is north of the Chang Jiang, so there is heating [ yes... there is no heating south of Chang Jiang. I have vague memories of wearing 3 layers of clothing underneath a winter jacket at all times the entire winter back in Chongqing ]
However, heating in most buildings consists of hot water running through water pipes. This is a centrally controlled event (i.e. in Beijing, there was no heating until November 15). This... is all fine. The ghetto-ness of bare water pipes to semi-attempt to warm up my room, this is all fine. The difficult part was... there's a process called "fang qi"... no, not give up, lol, but "letting the air out". As there is no water running through the pipes in the other three seasons, air gets in the pipes, and until you let the air out, the hot water can't push its way through, and you have no heating. Usually the piping circulates throughout the entire building. Like lightbulbs on a circuit, if one apartment didn't let the air out, then the entire portion of the building after them cannot get heating. However, if you happen to be three half-foreign girls living on the top floor without any knowledge of this... it doesn't effect anyone else... so it wasn't until 17 days after everyone else got heating that we suddenly figured out why.
Lesson learned: MUST let the air out of your pipes to get heating.
2. Laundry.
So liquid laundry detergent appears to not exist/extremely difficult to find in China. Everyone still uses soap and wash clothes by hand, or powder. Powder seemed like the best alternative.... except... everytime we take clothes out of our washing machine (which must be an antique too), there is still white powder all over the clothes......... >.<. My solution, wash everything 3 times... but there'd STILL be powder undissolved. -_-" So the other day I finally decided to vent my frustrations to some locals. Apparently.... the water in Beijing is "hard", and therefore makes it very difficult to dissolve anything. The only way around it is to get hot water, dump it in the washing machine (there's no hot water connected to it), and then put the laundry detergent it, swirl it around until it dissolves, then add clothes, let sit, then 15 min later, twirl it some more, then allow washing machine to do normal cycle. This... is a very long process (esp adding hot water part) but the amount of powder seems to have decreased significantly =]. and OH! as soon as laundry is done? hang it up ASAP ... or live with a million creases forever =P ... yes... they don't have dryers.... I actually haven't seen one since coming back.. everyone seems to hang
Lesson learned: Use hot water, minimal powder, let sit, and ... pray for the best. LOL.
3. Dust.
Omg. Beijing must be the dustiest city in the world. No not like... I walk out and I'm covered in dust -_-". but like... go one day without wiping your desk or lamp or w/e, and a thin film of dust would've accumulated... So I have become cleaner than some of you would've ever imagined me to be capable of =D. and my solution to the dust problem? Baby wipes! =D. <3 wipes =")." after ="]." style="font-style: italic;">
Lesson Learned: Use baby wipes (preferably Pampers =P shameless plug) to combat dust accumulation!
This is all I can think of // can afford to procrastinate.
May be updated/completed at later date =)
Disclaimer: these are not complaints. it's finding the humour of living like this. LOL. for those that know me.... how much love... must there be for this city.... for me to be fine with going thru all this and still loving it all? lol. it's all part of beijing. therefore i heart =).
or maybe these are just common sense things about living on your own that I am just now learning. (i.e. I can't drive my laundry 3 hours back to Toronto anymore. lol.)
1. Heating.
Luckily, Beijing is north of the Chang Jiang, so there is heating [ yes... there is no heating south of Chang Jiang. I have vague memories of wearing 3 layers of clothing underneath a winter jacket at all times the entire winter back in Chongqing ]
However, heating in most buildings consists of hot water running through water pipes. This is a centrally controlled event (i.e. in Beijing, there was no heating until November 15). This... is all fine. The ghetto-ness of bare water pipes to semi-attempt to warm up my room, this is all fine. The difficult part was... there's a process called "fang qi"... no, not give up, lol, but "letting the air out". As there is no water running through the pipes in the other three seasons, air gets in the pipes, and until you let the air out, the hot water can't push its way through, and you have no heating. Usually the piping circulates throughout the entire building. Like lightbulbs on a circuit, if one apartment didn't let the air out, then the entire portion of the building after them cannot get heating. However, if you happen to be three half-foreign girls living on the top floor without any knowledge of this... it doesn't effect anyone else... so it wasn't until 17 days after everyone else got heating that we suddenly figured out why.
Lesson learned: MUST let the air out of your pipes to get heating.
2. Laundry.
So liquid laundry detergent appears to not exist/extremely difficult to find in China. Everyone still uses soap and wash clothes by hand, or powder. Powder seemed like the best alternative.... except... everytime we take clothes out of our washing machine (which must be an antique too), there is still white powder all over the clothes......... >.<. My solution, wash everything 3 times... but there'd STILL be powder undissolved. -_-" So the other day I finally decided to vent my frustrations to some locals. Apparently.... the water in Beijing is "hard", and therefore makes it very difficult to dissolve anything. The only way around it is to get hot water, dump it in the washing machine (there's no hot water connected to it), and then put the laundry detergent it, swirl it around until it dissolves, then add clothes, let sit, then 15 min later, twirl it some more, then allow washing machine to do normal cycle. This... is a very long process (esp adding hot water part) but the amount of powder seems to have decreased significantly =]. and OH! as soon as laundry is done? hang it up ASAP ... or live with a million creases forever =P ... yes... they don't have dryers.... I actually haven't seen one since coming back.. everyone seems to hang
Lesson learned: Use hot water, minimal powder, let sit, and ... pray for the best. LOL.
3. Dust.
Omg. Beijing must be the dustiest city in the world. No not like... I walk out and I'm covered in dust -_-". but like... go one day without wiping your desk or lamp or w/e, and a thin film of dust would've accumulated... So I have become cleaner than some of you would've ever imagined me to be capable of =D. and my solution to the dust problem? Baby wipes! =D. <3 wipes =")." after ="]." style="font-style: italic;">
Lesson Learned: Use baby wipes (preferably Pampers =P shameless plug) to combat dust accumulation!
This is all I can think of // can afford to procrastinate.
May be updated/completed at later date =)
Disclaimer: these are not complaints. it's finding the humour of living like this. LOL. for those that know me.... how much love... must there be for this city.... for me to be fine with going thru all this and still loving it all? lol. it's all part of beijing. therefore i heart =).
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
fly.
... as much as i've hated to think about it.
i have just booked my flight to Barcelona.
leaving Beijing on Sunday Feb 1st 2am, stopping over in Frankfurt for 2 hours and then arriving in Barcelona at 9:30am.
My first class is the next day. LOL.
I guess I should start looking for housing ='(
i have just booked my flight to Barcelona.
leaving Beijing on Sunday Feb 1st 2am, stopping over in Frankfurt for 2 hours and then arriving in Barcelona at 9:30am.
My first class is the next day. LOL.
I guess I should start looking for housing ='(
Monday, November 24, 2008
are u smarter than a 5th grader?
dinner discussion solution posted:
so apparently.
fishes do have hearts.
dinner was good.
i've missed laughing like this =).
lol. so i guess being Pisces can't be my excuse anymore. =(. lol.
so apparently.
fishes do have hearts.
dinner was good.
i've missed laughing like this =).
lol. so i guess being Pisces can't be my excuse anymore. =(. lol.
lines.
was randomly thinking today.
lines.
there are so many fine lines that exist in this world. between relationships.
the fine line between love & hate // cute & lame // funny & insensitive // caring & suffocating // holding on & letting go // right & wrong
and .... there were so many more that i've been thinking all day -_-"....
these lines separate things. define things... yet at the same time... lines connect us. not just internet lines... cable lines... but lines between ppl... between family. between friends. ppl from the same school. same background.
we use our lines... our judgment lines as well as our connecting lines... to create fences. to keep ppl out. to... keep ppl in.
lines are funny things.
reminds me of this quote from Grey's.
... people. are funny creatures =).
that is all.
lines.
there are so many fine lines that exist in this world. between relationships.
the fine line between love & hate // cute & lame // funny & insensitive // caring & suffocating // holding on & letting go // right & wrong
and .... there were so many more that i've been thinking all day -_-"....
these lines separate things. define things... yet at the same time... lines connect us. not just internet lines... cable lines... but lines between ppl... between family. between friends. ppl from the same school. same background.
we use our lines... our judgment lines as well as our connecting lines... to create fences. to keep ppl out. to... keep ppl in.
lines are funny things.
reminds me of this quote from Grey's.
"In surgery there is a red line on the floor that marks the point where the hospital goes from being accessible to being off limits to all but a special few. Crossing the line unauthorized is not tolerated. In general, lines are there for a reason, for safety, for security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much choose to do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it?.... We can't help ourselves, we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it's the thrill of trading the familiar for the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare, only problem is, once you have crossed it's almost impossible to go back. But if you do manage to make it back across that line, you find safety in numbers."
... people. are funny creatures =).
that is all.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
passage of time.
apparently it snowed in toronto sometime last week. Somehow that seems unfathomable to me, seeing as how it is still kind of warm in Beijing (at least today anyway, around 5-7 degrees-ish?). I can't really remember if it used to snow in Beijing.... lol... I know it must've snowed... I have picture proof from when I was 5 or 6....
A part of me can't wait til the snow. til the lil lakes/ponds all freeze over and we can go skating (!! =D)
A part of me is happy that Will's coming soon... but the countdown scares me.
A part of me is looking forward to Christmas in Beijing... New Years in Beijing.... Spring Festival in Beijing...
but so much of me is still holding on to every second, refusing to let time pass by, I can't believe 3 months have flown by soooo fast. there's still so much I wanted to do and see. i have... no desire to leave this place... like... ever. I realize may be it's only because I know there is a definite deadline. in so many ways it still feels somewhat surreal, in the sense that ... because it's exchange. everything is heightened.... and so many other things just don't matter and i simply don't care. because there's a definite end to this... i feel as though I need to live it all to the max, and as long as I'm having fun, none of it matters =). haha... I wish I could just keep doing this... ... maybe dreams are meant to remain dreams... maybe when this becomes my only reality... i won't enjoy it as much, and it will become singular and mundane (... actually. no way. lol. i don't think that's possible. =P)
.... lol... too much caffine and too little sleep -_-"
on a side note....
the original 6. i... lack words....
S.H.E. - 你最近还好么？
S.H.E. - How are you lately?
挑一张耶诞卡写上满满祝福的话
Picked out a Christmas card, filled it full with wishes for u
地址写的是心底你能不能收到它
Addressed to your heart... can you still receive it?
天有点冷风有点大城市宁静而喧哗
It's getting chilly, it's a lil windy, the big city is serene but noisy
这一个冬天我得一个人走回家
This winter... I must walk home alone..
问自己习惯了吗
I ask myself... can I get used to this?
没有你每到夜褃回声变得好大
Nights without you... the echo of silence is so loud.
有没有什麽好方法让寂寞更听话
... is there a better way to control this loneliness?
你最近还好吗
how are you lately...
是不是也在思念褃挣扎
are you fighting back the memories too?
你说会记得我还记得吗
You said u'd rmb me... do u still rmb?
你最近还好吗
how are u lately?
忙碌吗累吗心还会痛吗
busy? tired?... still hurt?
如果真不得已忘了我
if there's no other way... then forget about me
快向快乐出发
go make your way towards happiness.
有再多的牵挂都已没有权利表达
thinking of u... but no longer have the right to express how much i still care
旧情人给的问候比陌生人还尴尬
greetings are more awkward from ex-lovers than from strangers
昨天远了明天还长回忆模糊但巨大
yesterdays r far away, tomorrows are long... memories r blurry but overwhelming
这样的深夜眼泪要怎样不流下
nights like this.... how do u stop the tears from falling...
Disclaimer:
this has nothing to do with me. i'm happy.
actually. i'm almost surprised at how lil i care. lol.
seriously. this lack of a heart thing? it's really working for me =P
lol. it's just a gd song. =)
A part of me can't wait til the snow. til the lil lakes/ponds all freeze over and we can go skating (!! =D)
A part of me is happy that Will's coming soon... but the countdown scares me.
A part of me is looking forward to Christmas in Beijing... New Years in Beijing.... Spring Festival in Beijing...
but so much of me is still holding on to every second, refusing to let time pass by, I can't believe 3 months have flown by soooo fast. there's still so much I wanted to do and see. i have... no desire to leave this place... like... ever. I realize may be it's only because I know there is a definite deadline. in so many ways it still feels somewhat surreal, in the sense that ... because it's exchange. everything is heightened.... and so many other things just don't matter and i simply don't care. because there's a definite end to this... i feel as though I need to live it all to the max, and as long as I'm having fun, none of it matters =). haha... I wish I could just keep doing this... ... maybe dreams are meant to remain dreams... maybe when this becomes my only reality... i won't enjoy it as much, and it will become singular and mundane (... actually. no way. lol. i don't think that's possible. =P)
.... lol... too much caffine and too little sleep -_-"
on a side note....
the original 6. i... lack words....
S.H.E. - 你最近还好么？
S.H.E. - How are you lately?
挑一张耶诞卡写上满满祝福的话
Picked out a Christmas card, filled it full with wishes for u
地址写的是心底你能不能收到它
Addressed to your heart... can you still receive it?
天有点冷风有点大城市宁静而喧哗
It's getting chilly, it's a lil windy, the big city is serene but noisy
这一个冬天我得一个人走回家
This winter... I must walk home alone..
问自己习惯了吗
I ask myself... can I get used to this?
没有你每到夜褃回声变得好大
Nights without you... the echo of silence is so loud.
有没有什麽好方法让寂寞更听话
... is there a better way to control this loneliness?
你最近还好吗
how are you lately...
are you fighting back the memories too?
你说会记得我还记得吗
You said u'd rmb me... do u still rmb?
你最近还好吗
how are u lately?
忙碌吗累吗
busy? tired?
如果真不得已忘了我
if there's no other way... then forget about me
快向快乐出发
go make your way towards happiness.
有再多的牵挂都已没有权利表达
thinking of u... but no longer have the right to express how much i still care
旧情人给的问候比陌生人还尴尬
greetings are more awkward from ex-lovers than from strangers
昨天远了明天还长回忆模糊但巨大
yesterdays r far away, tomorrows are long... memories r blurry but overwhelming
这样的深夜眼泪要怎样不流下
nights like this.... how do u stop the tears from falling...
Disclaimer:
this has nothing to do with me. i'm happy.
actually. i'm almost surprised at how lil i care. lol.
seriously. this lack of a heart thing? it's really working for me =P
lol. it's just a gd song. =)
Monday, November 17, 2008
motivate me.
it's 10am and I finally made the decision to skip my 3 hour class and sit myself down at bridge.
like the locals would say "我要疯狂学术了“ ( I am going to study like mad today) there is a reason why I never slow down. cuz apparently, if I slow down, then I just lose momentum and lose the will to go on. 最近太颓了 (another local saying... basically meaning I have let my life goto waste lately)
i have done nothing productive since I quit my job. LOL.
i have missed every deadline that existed on my calendar,
and my to-do list is now so massive that I can't even look at it anymore.
So today. I'm doing this. I'm sorting my life out.
for the next 12 hours at Bridge, I'm budgeting myself $100. and for every 1 minute that I am not doing something work related/being productive, $1 off.
[x] Financial Statement Analysis hmwk(by 1pm)
OMG..... it's 7:30pm.... this took me 5 hours... for 3 paragraphs...
what is wrong with me... *wails*....
screw it. i'm going to grocery shopping =D
sad how that seems so exciting right now. lol
[ ] Empress (as break between 1 - 2)
[ ] Org Management research (2-2:30)
[ ] Strategic Management Paper Market Analysis (2:30 - 6pm)
[ ] one chapter of Strategic Management (6-8)
[x] one set of questions (8-10)
[ ] at least 5 things from my massive to-do list (as breaks in between?)
omg. my first exam is in like. 2 weeks and i've yet to read over 70% of the material. o.O
I just realized I have another paper due in 2 weeks too... wtf have i been doing?
lol.. okay this freaks me out.
but it's okay.
i've got motivation =D
T: but... what if I don't do as well and can't get into w/e amazing school you get accepted to?
M: it's okay it's okay. u can do this. and ... i'm fine with anything top 15. so as long as u get into top 15 we'll go together okay?
[ lmao... he canNOT be serious. and i'd NEVER let him do it. but... that's motivation enough for me. i won't let u down. ]
(oh and look. he just walked into bridge. LOL. all the more reason to finish this so we can chill =))
T: *complain complain complain* *rawr* give me motivation!
Mommie: "p-sch p-sch p-sch..."
T: ... wtf r u doing?
Mommie: "... 给你打气啊！" ("adding air for u" - equivalent of "adding oil"?)
T: .... LMAO......... u r SO gay.
heart mommie.
K: "最近在课上都没怎么看到你了，是在忙期中吗？ "
lol.... i can't believe that my absence at a random class i go to for fun was noted. o.O. I will sort this mess out so i can start going to class again... and maybe talk to this guy ;)
J: "How do you have so much time and money to travel the whole world and STILL remain successful"
omg. he thinks i'm "successful". o.O like. WTF.
1) his opinion doesn't matter. i know. y's he even talking to me. like. wtf. (i'm j/k. we're okay. i know)
2) and how? .... honestly. one of these tipsy days maybe i'll actually tell him. that he started it all. way back when. this need to do as much as possible purely for the sake of staying as busy as possible. so that i can't think. can't feel. can't miss him. for the past... *I'm scared to count... 7 years* that was why. and it simply became a habit. so in all honestly? i should thank him.
S: "I don't know if u know but I look up to you. A LOT. you've always been a role model to me as well as a friend".
.... reason enough to go on? gotta live up to expectationssss
M: "he's really happy and it shows. You would die..."
this is motivation because... actually. i wouldn't. i am happy and hey. according to above, i'm "successful". i'm in beijing. having the time of my life. i'm glad he's finally found her. i'm glad everything is good. another burden/worry off my bad. so no. i wouldn't die. i'm not dying. i'm happy. i'm happy for them too =)
SO yes... i've got all the motivation/support in the world. LMAO again at mommie tho. LOL.
LMAO. it's 11. I've spent an hour on this and breakfast. lol.
so if I don't get anything done by 1pm. i'm kicking myself out.
like the locals would say "我要疯狂学术了“ ( I am going to study like mad today) there is a reason why I never slow down. cuz apparently, if I slow down, then I just lose momentum and lose the will to go on. 最近太颓了 (another local saying... basically meaning I have let my life goto waste lately)
i have done nothing productive since I quit my job. LOL.
i have missed every deadline that existed on my calendar,
and my to-do list is now so massive that I can't even look at it anymore.
So today. I'm doing this. I'm sorting my life out.
for the next 12 hours at Bridge, I'm budgeting myself $100. and for every 1 minute that I am not doing something work related/being productive, $1 off.
[x] Financial Statement Analysis hmwk
OMG..... it's 7:30pm.... this took me 5 hours... for 3 paragraphs...
what is wrong with me... *wails*....
screw it. i'm going to grocery shopping =D
sad how that seems so exciting right now. lol
[ ] Empress (as break between 1 - 2)
[ ] Org Management research (2-2:30)
[ ] Strategic Management Paper Market Analysis (2:30 - 6pm)
[ ] one chapter of Strategic Management (6-8)
[x] one set of questions (8-10)
[ ] at least 5 things from my massive to-do list (as breaks in between?)
omg. my first exam is in like. 2 weeks and i've yet to read over 70% of the material. o.O
I just realized I have another paper due in 2 weeks too... wtf have i been doing?
lol.. okay this freaks me out.
but it's okay.
i've got motivation =D
T: but... what if I don't do as well and can't get into w/e amazing school you get accepted to?
M: it's okay it's okay. u can do this. and ... i'm fine with anything top 15. so as long as u get into top 15 we'll go together okay?
[ lmao... he canNOT be serious. and i'd NEVER let him do it. but... that's motivation enough for me. i won't let u down. ]
(oh and look. he just walked into bridge. LOL. all the more reason to finish this so we can chill =))
T: *complain complain complain* *rawr* give me motivation!
Mommie: "p-sch p-sch p-sch..."
T: ... wtf r u doing?
Mommie: "... 给你打气啊！" ("adding air for u" - equivalent of "adding oil"?)
T: .... LMAO......... u r SO gay.
heart mommie.
K: "最近在课上都没怎么看到你了，是在忙期中吗？ "
lol.... i can't believe that my absence at a random class i go to for fun was noted. o.O. I will sort this mess out so i can start going to class again... and maybe talk to this guy ;)
J: "How do you have so much time and money to travel the whole world and STILL remain successful"
omg. he thinks i'm "successful". o.O like. WTF.
1) his opinion doesn't matter. i know. y's he even talking to me. like. wtf. (i'm j/k. we're okay. i know)
2) and how? .... honestly. one of these tipsy days maybe i'll actually tell him. that he started it all. way back when. this need to do as much as possible purely for the sake of staying as busy as possible. so that i can't think. can't feel. can't miss him. for the past... *I'm scared to count... 7 years* that was why. and it simply became a habit. so in all honestly? i should thank him.
S: "I don't know if u know but I look up to you. A LOT. you've always been a role model to me as well as a friend".
.... reason enough to go on? gotta live up to expectationssss
M: "he's really happy and it shows. You would die..."
this is motivation because... actually. i wouldn't. i am happy and hey. according to above, i'm "successful". i'm in beijing. having the time of my life. i'm glad he's finally found her. i'm glad everything is good. another burden/worry off my bad. so no. i wouldn't die. i'm not dying. i'm happy. i'm happy for them too =)
SO yes... i've got all the motivation/support in the world. LMAO again at mommie tho. LOL.
LMAO. it's 11. I've spent an hour on this and breakfast. lol.
so if I don't get anything done by 1pm. i'm kicking myself out.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
a girl can dream.
ughhh. if i could only get over the idea of being a 70-year-old grandma with a tattoo i'd SO get one.
maybe by then there'd be a better way to get it removed =P. *hopeful* ^.^
currently wanting a tat soooo bad.
+ two more piercings.
that is all. =P
.
edit: 1045am
I... can't stop myself from smiling.
LOL. gosh...
i love the sun. i love the blue blue blue skies. i love the fresh air. i love this city.
i love our conversations. i love our jokes. i love our retardednesses. i love spending time with you like this.
there's nothing i'd trade for this moment.
there's nowhere else in the world i want to be.
I ... actually. can't. stop smiling. lol.
=)
edit:: 725pm
and. this is me.
c r a s h i n g .
maybe by then there'd be a better way to get it removed =P. *hopeful* ^.^
currently wanting a tat soooo bad.
+ two more piercings.
that is all. =P
.
edit: 1045am
I... can't stop myself from smiling.
LOL. gosh...
i love the sun. i love the blue blue blue skies. i love the fresh air. i love this city.
i love our conversations. i love our jokes. i love our retardednesses. i love spending time with you like this.
there's nothing i'd trade for this moment.
there's nowhere else in the world i want to be.
I ... actually. can't. stop smiling. lol.
=)
edit:: 725pm
and. this is me.
c r a s h i n g .
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
catch up.
wow... after various complaints as to how the frequency of my blogging has decreased recently, I guess it's time for an update. haha... too many things happen in too little time in Beijing that there never seems to be time to blog anymore, and once I fall behind in stuff it adds on to the point where eventually it seems like I can never catch up anymore. lol. but i'll try.
Simatai Great Wall::
I heart the great wall. like. real great walls that aren't crowded with half the population of China and renovated yesterday.
the whole place was sooooooooooooooo pretty. and weather was just perfect. All I wanted to do was sit on the wall and not move. words fail to describe... will upload pictures to facebook soon =P.
and as sketchy as the trip was... it was fun =). we should just never goto class and just travel all the time =D.
Can't wait til you get here. and hopefully it'll be snowing by then... so we can go again and see what it's like. should be pretty amazing =]. there was more to say but i can't remember...
Work::
So after a month of working here in China and a week of debating, I quit my job on Friday. I can't believe how difficult it was to quit... half because I don't think I have actually quit anything before o.O? but yes... but I'm glad I went through with it... most of you know that eventually I want to come back to China, esp Beijing, to work. So this was my opportunity to try and see if I can actually survive the work environment here, and also, a new experience working at something other than what I have been used to. I think... in a month.. I have managed to learn all that I can from this firm and have gotten a taste of what it would be like. and it's time to move on. Even though it was only three half days a week, it was adding too much stress on top of everything. I am grateful though. For everyone that I have met in the past month. The trip to ShiDu was also amazinggggg =). I can't believe I managed to pass off as a local student for all this time =P. Everyone has been so nice and supportive, and I am truly grateful to have had this opportunity. On a sidenote, I will miss you... thanks for giving me something to look forward to every day of work =].
ISU China Cup
OMG. So.... I've had this random obsession with figure skating since I was a kid.... and I've never seen it live... after celebrating my successful quitting of my job with Peng and korean food =P, I went to go see a figure skating competition at ShouTi (another Olympic stadium). I was so.... mesmerized is the only word I can think of. I CAN'T believe I was sitting like... best seats in the house at an international skating competition for 35RMB (=6.5 CDN) ... (yeah I got them at the gate from this guy who was just like... here... I have tickets... pay me whatever you want o.O) It was so amazing to sit there and just watch it all happening for real... I realize I sound retarded... but OMG. highlight of the night... or the week... or like. the year... Xue Shen and Hongbo Zhao (three-time pairs figure skating world champions, two-time winter olympics bronze medalists .... first Chinese team to ever win a world title in this event, and according to Wikipedia, they got married in 2007 (like. omg o.O) ... and half the reason why I fell in love with figure skating in the first place. so yes... they were there.... and I GOT AUTOGRAPHS. like. OMG. wow... okay after the competition I had to run to a meeting at like. 9pm -_-" and have been partying like mad ever since so I kind of forgot to be excited about this. but thinking back. like. OMG. I couldn't believe this was actually happening.... and of course, it didn't hurt that the Chinese team won another gold and bronze medal in pairs skating that night =).
the gold medalist pair. YES. i was sitting THAT close.
Queen's get together::
Given that there are eight of us here in Beijing... you'd think that we'd see each other more often... but actually. this was the first time 6/8 of us all met up. It was such a chill night of just talking and hanging out together. lol.
... highlight of the night. us walking out to pick someone up. It's been a while since we'd talked. hadn't realized how much we both missed just being together, hanging out and talking. things are different, but a lot of things don't change. "we don't just think alike okay? we feel alike. Beat THAT". ... lol... so apparently i undervalue friendship.... but... i know. this is something that'll last a lifetime. =).
and. we're going to make this a biweekly thing. or monthly thing. looking forward to when will comes and joins us too =D.
Da Tong::
So an hour before we had to meet up to goto the train station. I suddenly decided to join in on this trip to Da Tong, a city in Shanxi, 300km away from Beijing, but six hours train ride (.... apparently this train drives at 55km/hr... I drive faster -_-") Slept on the train (to the left: picture of how we ended up getting eight TOP bunks all in a row... lol) and got there 5:30am in the morning. 
I love how Andrius's guide book described this city.... as "everything that went wrong with the obsession with industrialization". I didn't understand until the end of the day when we walked around downtown... like... the air actually smelt like coal... o.O? and my eyes were just watering by itself -_-".. it's a coal-mining city... and everyone there looked... o.O different. We went to Tu Lin... this miniature grand canyon kind of place.... a monastery built on the side of a cliff, and caves with rock sculptures of buddhas... It was actually a lot of fun. A lot of sleeping in the cab, a lot of being cold, and a lot of being with friends and seeing things I've never seen before =), and the impulsiveness of it all just made it all so much more exciting =D. What was strange is how different the dialect is in Shanxi even though it was only 300km away... like I actually couldn't understand at all. Even when we went to Guilin after a while I started understanding without too much problems, and that was on the opposite end of the country. o.O. But seriously... Beijing is pollution free in comparison. It was fun. we need to do this more often. got back 6 30am yesterday morning and went to my class at 9am. =D. this is how we roll =P.
Beijing - continued::
anddd... I think I'm caught up.
Beijing has been gloomy-ish for the past couple of days... and ... I don't even mind the gloominess in Beijing... there has been like 4 cloudy days in total since I'd been here, and each time all it did was rain 2 days later and bring even clearer days after =). but yes... even cloudy days in Beijing is nice... it's... in a sense.. calming and ...relaxing? Bridge was so nice this afternoon, quietly sitting by the window staring out at the world outside, and listening to the people inside... heart Bridge. it's so nice and cozy, and the nicest wait staff in the world... and I like always bumping into people there =P. I like having friends.. lol. is it wrong that I'm not homesick? I was so much more homesick in Kingston... o.O ... anyhow. it's been a busy past while. I'm giving myself a week off, not going to any random classes or partying or even shopping tomorrow. just... chill =) I'm actually enjoying spending time just... on my own =].
hope u guys r all doing well too. hopefully midterms are over. chill =)
(and this took WAY too long... o.o)
Simatai Great Wall::
the whole place was sooooooooooooooo pretty. and weather was just perfect. All I wanted to do was sit on the wall and not move. words fail to describe... will upload pictures to facebook soon =P.
and as sketchy as the trip was... it was fun =). we should just never goto class and just travel all the time =D.Can't wait til you get here. and hopefully it'll be snowing by then... so we can go again and see what it's like. should be pretty amazing =]. there was more to say but i can't remember...
Work::
So after a month of working here in China and a week of debating, I quit my job on Friday. I can't believe how difficult it was to quit... half because I don't think I have actually quit anything before o.O? but yes... but I'm glad I went through with it... most of you know that eventually I want to come back to China, esp Beijing, to work. So this was my opportunity to try and see if I can actually survive the work environment here, and also, a new experience working at something other than what I have been used to. I think... in a month.. I have managed to learn all that I can from this firm and have gotten a taste of what it would be like. and it's time to move on. Even though it was only three half days a week, it was adding too much stress on top of everything. I am grateful though. For everyone that I have met in the past month. The trip to ShiDu was also amazinggggg =). I can't believe I managed to pass off as a local student for all this time =P. Everyone has been so nice and supportive, and I am truly grateful to have had this opportunity. On a sidenote, I will miss you... thanks for giving me something to look forward to every day of work =].
ISU China Cup
OMG. So.... I've had this random obsession with figure skating since I was a kid.... and I've never seen it live... after celebrating my successful quitting of my job with Peng and korean food =P, I went to go see a figure skating competition at ShouTi (another Olympic stadium). I was so.... mesmerized is the only word I can think of. I CAN'T believe I was sitting like... best seats in the house at an international skating competition for 35RMB (=6.5 CDN) ... (yeah I got them at the gate from this guy who was just like... here... I have tickets... pay me whatever you want o.O) It was so amazing to sit there and just watch it all happening for real... I realize I sound retarded... but OMG. highlight of the night... or the week... or like. the year... Xue Shen and Hongbo Zhao (three-time pairs figure skating world champions, two-time winter olympics bronze medalists .... first Chinese team to ever win a world title in this event, and according to Wikipedia, they got married in 2007 (like. omg o.O) ... and half the reason why I fell in love with figure skating in the first place. so yes... they were there.... and I GOT AUTOGRAPHS. like. OMG. wow... okay after the competition I had to run to a meeting at like. 9pm -_-" and have been partying like mad ever since so I kind of forgot to be excited about this. but thinking back. like. OMG. I couldn't believe this was actually happening.... and of course, it didn't hurt that the Chinese team won another gold and bronze medal in pairs skating that night =).
the gold medalist pair. YES. i was sitting THAT close.Given that there are eight of us here in Beijing... you'd think that we'd see each other more often... but actually. this was the first time 6/8 of us all met up. It was such a chill night of just talking and hanging out together. lol.
... highlight of the night. us walking out to pick someone up. It's been a while since we'd talked. hadn't realized how much we both missed just being together, hanging out and talking. things are different, but a lot of things don't change. "we don't just think alike okay? we feel alike. Beat THAT". ... lol... so apparently i undervalue friendship.... but... i know. this is something that'll last a lifetime. =).
and. we're going to make this a biweekly thing. or monthly thing. looking forward to when will comes and joins us too =D.
Da Tong::
So an hour before we had to meet up to goto the train station. I suddenly decided to join in on this trip to Da Tong, a city in Shanxi, 300km away from Beijing, but six hours train ride (.... apparently this train drives at 55km/hr... I drive faster -_-") Slept on the train (to the left: picture of how we ended up getting eight TOP bunks all in a row... lol) and got there 5:30am in the morning. 
I love how Andrius's guide book described this city.... as "everything that went wrong with the obsession with industrialization". I didn't understand until the end of the day when we walked around downtown... like... the air actually smelt like coal... o.O? and my eyes were just watering by itself -_-".. it's a coal-mining city... and everyone there looked... o.O different. We went to Tu Lin... this miniature grand canyon kind of place.... a monastery built on the side of a cliff, and caves with rock sculptures of buddhas... It was actually a lot of fun. A lot of sleeping in the cab, a lot of being cold, and a lot of being with friends and seeing things I've never seen before =), and the impulsiveness of it all just made it all so much more exciting =D. What was strange is how different the dialect is in Shanxi even though it was only 300km away... like I actually couldn't understand at all. Even when we went to Guilin after a while I started understanding without too much problems, and that was on the opposite end of the country. o.O. But seriously... Beijing is pollution free in comparison. It was fun. we need to do this more often. got back 6 30am yesterday morning and went to my class at 9am. =D. this is how we roll =P.Beijing - continued::
anddd... I think I'm caught up.
Beijing has been gloomy-ish for the past couple of days... and ... I don't even mind the gloominess in Beijing... there has been like 4 cloudy days in total since I'd been here, and each time all it did was rain 2 days later and bring even clearer days after =). but yes... even cloudy days in Beijing is nice... it's... in a sense.. calming and ...relaxing? Bridge was so nice this afternoon, quietly sitting by the window staring out at the world outside, and listening to the people inside... heart Bridge. it's so nice and cozy, and the nicest wait staff in the world... and I like always bumping into people there =P. I like having friends.. lol. is it wrong that I'm not homesick? I was so much more homesick in Kingston... o.O ... anyhow. it's been a busy past while. I'm giving myself a week off, not going to any random classes or partying or even shopping tomorrow. just... chill =) I'm actually enjoying spending time just... on my own =].
hope u guys r all doing well too. hopefully midterms are over. chill =)
(and this took WAY too long... o.o)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
pour toi,
对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨
dui zhe ge shi jie ru guo ni you tai duo de bao yuan
if you have too much to complain about this world
跌倒了 就不敢继续往前走
die dao le jiu bu gan ji xu wang qian zou
after one fall, no bravery to keep going forward
为什么 人要这么的脆弱堕落
wei shen me ren yao zhe me de cui ruo tuo luo'
why, are people so fragile and just give up hope
请你打开电视看看
qing ni da kai dian shi kan kan
please turn on the tv and look
多少人 为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
duo shao ren wei sheng ming zai nu li yong gan de zou xia qu
how many people. still fighting for life and living so bravely
我们是不是该知足 珍惜一切就算没有拥有
wo men shi bu shi gai zhi zu zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you
shouldn't we be satisfied, treasure everything even if we don't own it all.
*还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑
hai ji de ni shuo jia shi wei yi de cheng bao sui zhe dao xiang he liu ji xu ben pao
still remember you said home is the only castle. keep running with the Daoxiang river
微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
wei wei xiao xiao shi hou de meng wo zhi dao
smile a little, dreams of childhood I still remember.
不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑
bu yao ku rang ying huo chong dai zhe ni tao pao
don't cry, let the fireflies lead ur way.
乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
xiang jian de ge yao yong yuan de yi kao
the tunes of the countryside can be depended on forever.
回家吧 回到最初的美好
hui jia ba hui dao zui chu de mei hao
go home. back to the earliest/original perfection
不要这么容易就想放弃 就像我说的
bu yao zhe me rong yi jiu xiang fang qi jiu xiang wo shuo de
don't give up so easily. like i said
追不到的梦想 换个梦不就得了
zhui bu dao de meng xiang huan ge meng bu jiu de le
dreams that u can't chase down. just switch a dream =)
为自己的人生鲜艳上色 先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
wei zi ji de ren sheng xian yan shang se xian ba ai tu shang xi huan de yan se
add bright colors to your own life. add ur favourite colours first
笑一个吧 功成名就不是目的
xiao yi ge ba gong cheng ming jiu bu shi mu di
smile. success and fame is not the goal.
让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
rang zi ji kuai le kuai le zhe cai jiao zuo yi yi
making urself happy is the meaning of life.
童年的纸飞机 现在终于飞回我手里
tong nian de zhi fei ji xian zai zhong yu fei hui wo shou li
paper airplanes of childhood. has finally flied back into my hands now.
所谓的那快乐 赤脚 在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
suo wei de na kuai le chi jiao zai tian li zhui qing ting zhui dao lei le
so called happiness. running barefoot in the fields chasing dragonflies until we get too tired.
偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了 谁在偷笑呢
tou zhai shui guo bei mi feng gei ding dao pa le shui zai tou xiao ne
stealing fruits but got stung by the bee. who's secretly laughing
我靠着稻草人 吹着风 唱着歌 睡着了
wo kao zhe dao cao ren chui zhe feng chang zhe ge shui zhao le
sitting against the scare crow. feeling the breeze, singing songs. fell asleep.
哦哦 午后吉他在虫鸣中更清脆
O O wu hou ji ta zai chong ming zhong geng qing cui
oh oh, the sound of the guitar sounds even clearer amongst the sound of the insects past noon
哦哦 阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
O O yang guang sa zai lu shang jiu bu pa xin sui
oh oh, as long as the sun is shining on the street, not scared of heartbreak
珍惜一切就算没有拥有
zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you
treasure everything even if we don't own it all.
Repeat *
good song. heart jay chou. if only he'd come and have a concert in beijing instead of finally going to Toronto when i'm NOT there -_-" boo.
----------------------------
read a blog w/ the title "he cheated on me w/ her and now i've got an invitation to their wedding".
o.O. like. omg. suddenly i am grateful for my life. lol.
after complaining slightly abt china yesterday.
2 random acts of kindness fell out of the sky today.
a) my bike fell and i was struggling cuz i had stuff in my hands. and this random guy runs over and helps me pick up my bike and smiled at me =)
b) the chain on my bike fell again today -_-". and we took it to a lady who fixes bikes and then she fixed it for free o.O
lol. my faith in humanity and china has been renewed =D
it's all good. =D
great wall tmr.
dui zhe ge shi jie ru guo ni you tai duo de bao yuan
if you have too much to complain about this world
跌倒了 就不敢继续往前走
die dao le jiu bu gan ji xu wang qian zou
after one fall, no bravery to keep going forward
为什么 人要这么的脆弱堕落
wei shen me ren yao zhe me de cui ruo tuo luo'
why, are people so fragile and just give up hope
请你打开电视看看
qing ni da kai dian shi kan kan
please turn on the tv and look
多少人 为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
duo shao ren wei sheng ming zai nu li yong gan de zou xia qu
how many people. still fighting for life and living so bravely
我们是不是该知足 珍惜一切就算没有拥有
wo men shi bu shi gai zhi zu zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you
shouldn't we be satisfied, treasure everything even if we don't own it all.
*还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑
hai ji de ni shuo jia shi wei yi de cheng bao sui zhe dao xiang he liu ji xu ben pao
still remember you said home is the only castle. keep running with the Daoxiang river
微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
wei wei xiao xiao shi hou de meng wo zhi dao
smile a little, dreams of childhood I still remember.
不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑
bu yao ku rang ying huo chong dai zhe ni tao pao
don't cry, let the fireflies lead ur way.
乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
xiang jian de ge yao yong yuan de yi kao
the tunes of the countryside can be depended on forever.
回家吧 回到最初的美好
hui jia ba hui dao zui chu de mei hao
go home. back to the earliest/original perfection
不要这么容易就想放弃 就像我说的
bu yao zhe me rong yi jiu xiang fang qi jiu xiang wo shuo de
don't give up so easily. like i said
追不到的梦想 换个梦不就得了
zhui bu dao de meng xiang huan ge meng bu jiu de le
dreams that u can't chase down. just switch a dream =)
为自己的人生鲜艳上色 先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
wei zi ji de ren sheng xian yan shang se xian ba ai tu shang xi huan de yan se
add bright colors to your own life. add ur favourite colours first
笑一个吧 功成名就不是目的
xiao yi ge ba gong cheng ming jiu bu shi mu di
smile. success and fame is not the goal.
让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
rang zi ji kuai le kuai le zhe cai jiao zuo yi yi
making urself happy is the meaning of life.
童年的纸飞机 现在终于飞回我手里
tong nian de zhi fei ji xian zai zhong yu fei hui wo shou li
paper airplanes of childhood. has finally flied back into my hands now.
所谓的那快乐 赤脚 在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
suo wei de na kuai le chi jiao zai tian li zhui qing ting zhui dao lei le
so called happiness. running barefoot in the fields chasing dragonflies until we get too tired.
偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了 谁在偷笑呢
tou zhai shui guo bei mi feng gei ding dao pa le shui zai tou xiao ne
stealing fruits but got stung by the bee. who's secretly laughing
我靠着稻草人 吹着风 唱着歌 睡着了
wo kao zhe dao cao ren chui zhe feng chang zhe ge shui zhao le
sitting against the scare crow. feeling the breeze, singing songs. fell asleep.
哦哦 午后吉他在虫鸣中更清脆
O O wu hou ji ta zai chong ming zhong geng qing cui
oh oh, the sound of the guitar sounds even clearer amongst the sound of the insects past noon
哦哦 阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
O O yang guang sa zai lu shang jiu bu pa xin sui
oh oh, as long as the sun is shining on the street, not scared of heartbreak
珍惜一切就算没有拥有
zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you
treasure everything even if we don't own it all.
Repeat *
good song. heart jay chou. if only he'd come and have a concert in beijing instead of finally going to Toronto when i'm NOT there -_-" boo.
----------------------------
read a blog w/ the title "he cheated on me w/ her and now i've got an invitation to their wedding".
o.O. like. omg. suddenly i am grateful for my life. lol.
after complaining slightly abt china yesterday.
2 random acts of kindness fell out of the sky today.
a) my bike fell and i was struggling cuz i had stuff in my hands. and this random guy runs over and helps me pick up my bike and smiled at me =)
b) the chain on my bike fell again today -_-". and we took it to a lady who fixes bikes and then she fixed it for free o.O
lol. my faith in humanity and china has been renewed =D
it's all good. =D
great wall tmr.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
random reflections on a chilly November night.
- JUST realized. this is INSANELY long. o.O -
so this has been a highly anticipated post... mostly by me. lol... as I have been keeping myself from blogging until I finished all three assignments. and now they're done. mostly anyway =D. so now I get to talk endlessly =P.
Last week a friend of mine who's also here on exchange came to me, complaining that they were bitter about China, due to the meanness of people, the lack of civilized politeness, and random things that happen... well... only in China. So I've been thinking about it too. I know I've spent the majority of this blog talking about how much I love Beijing, and it's true. But at the same time, it doesn't mean that things don't bother me.
Given everything that has happened to me since arriving in Beijing two and a half months ago... including being kicked out by dear relatives, being homeless, being hit by a car, yelling and basically threatening our tour guide and driver in Guilin, actually fighting with stupid store vendors in Beijing - these were the big events.... there is also constant fighting against traffic, dealing with rude people, glaring at chain smokers and spitters everywhere, and other nusances that I would have never imagined having to deal with back in Canada. But despite of it all, none of it has really affected me much.
I think... it's a matter of standards. of what one chooses to care about and what one chooses to just... let go. Coming back, I knew that I have already imagined Beijing into perfection, and I would be horribly disappointed coming back like that. So in a way, I have already prepped myself by imagining China to be the worst it could possibly be. On the other hand, I really do believe that it would be unfair to judge China and Chinese people with standards that seem so commonplace to us in North America. As is... I think fighting traffic and avoiding near collisions (wow you know you're reading too much strategy when you write "collusion" instead of collision) so yes, avoiding collisions and sometimes, just walking away from a collision, a part of life in Beijing. There are times where I do get mad. I turn around and glare/cut eye. If i get really mad I yell and sometimes swear at them in English... it's not like they can hear or even understand me, but it's like my lil way of letting out that frustration. Conversely, sometimes there's a nice taxi that let's me go instead of trying to run me over purposely, and I smile and raise my hand to say thank you like we would've in Canada... not that they'd understand... but again... it's these small things that keep me sane, these small things that ... "preserve" my "integrity"? I don't know if this makes sense.
None of this makes me angry, not in the way that other people get annoyed/angry at the way China is. A big part of it is just... accepting it all as part of China. like.... we really can't judge and ask Beijing to be Toronto (except Beijing is so much better), but you know what I mean. I think it's a choice. In other words, I've either become extremely great at forgetting things that make me unhappy, or I have been extremely suppressed in the past while, or I have just become a very numb person. Correction, I don't think I have become numb, I'm still very easily excited and happy =D. So I must have just become numb to anything that upsets me. =].
And we're back to this. I like Beijing. I think it calms me down. It... keeps me grounded and... simply... accepting of it all. [ but then as most of u know. i am a different person everyday =P ]
Been thinking lately (I realize this is getting long, but hey, this has all been bottled up while I was procrastinating my assignments =P). Sometimes... the way I live my life, the pace at which I ride my bike through Beijing traffic, among other things... sometimes... I think I must have a death wish. The way I live... it's like a blatant disregard for life. and I just don't care. May be it's exchange, because it doesn't feel like it's real.
On a different note, Cari said the other day that I undervalue friendship. I've been thinking about it and I realize it's true. But I must also be forgiven for this unfortunate mindset. This concept of friendship... or... friends that stay, friendships that last.... is a very new and foreign idea for me. I undervalue friendship because I don't know what it's like to grow up with someone, to have the same "best friend" for more than two years, or any of that. So I undervalue friendship. Because in my life, friendship has been a fragile function of where I live, what school I goto, or if my friend is in a relationship. It's funny. things like Facebook and MSN are supposed to keep people in touch and make communication easier. Contrarily... it feels as though... the easier it is to keep in touch, the more "friends/contacts" there are, .... the louder the silences. .... but all that aside. I guess I realize I should start valuing friendships more... as unreliable as they do seem.... I am grateful. the fact that u're here in Beijing with me.... everything happens for a reason. and whatever that reason is. i'm.... thankful that u're here =).
I apologize for this. I'm happy. I really am. I wish I could go clubbing every night. I wish I could goto every class. I wish I could be surrounded by friends all the time. I wish I can just chill on my own. And to varying degrees. I'm living it all now. and I'm back in Beijing. There's not much more I can ask for.
However, I walked to school today, as a result of Mo making me leave my bike at school yesterday. And as I walked out of my building area.... I must have been surrounded by something like. at LEAST a dozen of Blue Jays (I know what Blue Jays look like because of Toronto Blue Jays. But I have never seen a Blue Jay in toronto. -_-") I've seen a couple here and there before, but never like... a HERD of Blue Jays all together, flying around in the autumn leaves... and made me realize. Maybe I really am rushing through life too fast. I pass by the same area every morning. Why have I never noticed so many Blue Jays before? Because I bike at the speed of public transit everywhere I go. I feel like there's so much to do in Beijing and there's not enough time, so I do all that I can with the least amount of time possible.... it's one night after another. one... let's call them distractions... after another... but maybe it is time to slow down and chill and enjoy the scenery along the way.
... I blame this random reflectiveness on autumn in Beijing... (Anne of Green Gables did call November the most depressing month of the year.... and as gloriously as the sun shines in Beijing instead of Kingston's constant gloominess, it IS november =P) and being bottled up for too long by stupid assignments =p. like. GOSH. who does work on exchange..... =P.
this is all. tho i must say.i miss u. hence the necessity of distractions..
i miss hugs. Chinese people do not hug. so tee is very hug-deprived... ='(
i miss u guys.
- tng. it'll be okay. don't over analyze. =)
- mwong. u're not allowed to go study w/ kj. esp not in my face ='(
- ksingh. that facebook msg made my day. made my week. add oil =)
- btai. "is there halloween where u r?" oh dear u. lol. thk u for rmbing =)
- wfang. i wish u'd get here sooner. for longer. u need to stop randomly disappearing =(
so this has been a highly anticipated post... mostly by me. lol... as I have been keeping myself from blogging until I finished all three assignments. and now they're done. mostly anyway =D. so now I get to talk endlessly =P.
Last week a friend of mine who's also here on exchange came to me, complaining that they were bitter about China, due to the meanness of people, the lack of civilized politeness, and random things that happen... well... only in China. So I've been thinking about it too. I know I've spent the majority of this blog talking about how much I love Beijing, and it's true. But at the same time, it doesn't mean that things don't bother me.
Given everything that has happened to me since arriving in Beijing two and a half months ago... including being kicked out by dear relatives, being homeless, being hit by a car, yelling and basically threatening our tour guide and driver in Guilin, actually fighting with stupid store vendors in Beijing - these were the big events.... there is also constant fighting against traffic, dealing with rude people, glaring at chain smokers and spitters everywhere, and other nusances that I would have never imagined having to deal with back in Canada. But despite of it all, none of it has really affected me much.
I think... it's a matter of standards. of what one chooses to care about and what one chooses to just... let go. Coming back, I knew that I have already imagined Beijing into perfection, and I would be horribly disappointed coming back like that. So in a way, I have already prepped myself by imagining China to be the worst it could possibly be. On the other hand, I really do believe that it would be unfair to judge China and Chinese people with standards that seem so commonplace to us in North America. As is... I think fighting traffic and avoiding near collisions (wow you know you're reading too much strategy when you write "collusion" instead of collision) so yes, avoiding collisions and sometimes, just walking away from a collision, a part of life in Beijing. There are times where I do get mad. I turn around and glare/cut eye. If i get really mad I yell and sometimes swear at them in English... it's not like they can hear or even understand me, but it's like my lil way of letting out that frustration. Conversely, sometimes there's a nice taxi that let's me go instead of trying to run me over purposely, and I smile and raise my hand to say thank you like we would've in Canada... not that they'd understand... but again... it's these small things that keep me sane, these small things that ... "preserve" my "integrity"? I don't know if this makes sense.
None of this makes me angry, not in the way that other people get annoyed/angry at the way China is. A big part of it is just... accepting it all as part of China. like.... we really can't judge and ask Beijing to be Toronto (except Beijing is so much better), but you know what I mean. I think it's a choice. In other words, I've either become extremely great at forgetting things that make me unhappy, or I have been extremely suppressed in the past while, or I have just become a very numb person. Correction, I don't think I have become numb, I'm still very easily excited and happy =D. So I must have just become numb to anything that upsets me. =].
And we're back to this. I like Beijing. I think it calms me down. It... keeps me grounded and... simply... accepting of it all. [ but then as most of u know. i am a different person everyday =P ]
Been thinking lately (I realize this is getting long, but hey, this has all been bottled up while I was procrastinating my assignments =P). Sometimes... the way I live my life, the pace at which I ride my bike through Beijing traffic, among other things... sometimes... I think I must have a death wish. The way I live... it's like a blatant disregard for life. and I just don't care. May be it's exchange, because it doesn't feel like it's real.
On a different note, Cari said the other day that I undervalue friendship. I've been thinking about it and I realize it's true. But I must also be forgiven for this unfortunate mindset. This concept of friendship... or... friends that stay, friendships that last.... is a very new and foreign idea for me. I undervalue friendship because I don't know what it's like to grow up with someone, to have the same "best friend" for more than two years, or any of that. So I undervalue friendship. Because in my life, friendship has been a fragile function of where I live, what school I goto, or if my friend is in a relationship. It's funny. things like Facebook and MSN are supposed to keep people in touch and make communication easier. Contrarily... it feels as though... the easier it is to keep in touch, the more "friends/contacts" there are, .... the louder the silences. .... but all that aside. I guess I realize I should start valuing friendships more... as unreliable as they do seem.... I am grateful. the fact that u're here in Beijing with me.... everything happens for a reason. and whatever that reason is. i'm.... thankful that u're here =).
I apologize for this. I'm happy. I really am. I wish I could go clubbing every night. I wish I could goto every class. I wish I could be surrounded by friends all the time. I wish I can just chill on my own. And to varying degrees. I'm living it all now. and I'm back in Beijing. There's not much more I can ask for.
However, I walked to school today, as a result of Mo making me leave my bike at school yesterday. And as I walked out of my building area.... I must have been surrounded by something like. at LEAST a dozen of Blue Jays (I know what Blue Jays look like because of Toronto Blue Jays. But I have never seen a Blue Jay in toronto. -_-") I've seen a couple here and there before, but never like... a HERD of Blue Jays all together, flying around in the autumn leaves... and made me realize. Maybe I really am rushing through life too fast. I pass by the same area every morning. Why have I never noticed so many Blue Jays before? Because I bike at the speed of public transit everywhere I go. I feel like there's so much to do in Beijing and there's not enough time, so I do all that I can with the least amount of time possible.... it's one night after another. one... let's call them distractions... after another... but maybe it is time to slow down and chill and enjoy the scenery along the way.
... I blame this random reflectiveness on autumn in Beijing... (Anne of Green Gables did call November the most depressing month of the year.... and as gloriously as the sun shines in Beijing instead of Kingston's constant gloominess, it IS november =P) and being bottled up for too long by stupid assignments =p. like. GOSH. who does work on exchange..... =P.
this is all. tho i must say.
i miss hugs. Chinese people do not hug. so tee is very hug-deprived... ='(
i miss u guys.
- tng. it'll be okay. don't over analyze. =)
- mwong. u're not allowed to go study w/ kj. esp not in my face ='(
- ksingh. that facebook msg made my day. made my week. add oil =)
- btai. "is there halloween where u r?" oh dear u. lol. thk u for rmbing =)
- wfang. i wish u'd get here sooner. for longer. u need to stop randomly disappearing =(
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
bridge.
so here we are, once again, chilling at the new bridge coffee shop...I love afternoons here... the sun so gloriously shines through their large, floor-to-ceiling windows... I love the atmosphere here. so chill and relaxing. perfect for people watching, letting time pass by, sipping coffee while reading... seriously. it makes studying so much more.... chill. =). we have thrown so much cash and spent so much money here it's ridiculous. lol. In a sense, it's a like a hub of the international scene here in Beijing, so many expats and internationals here. I actually think it's my favourite coffee shop ever, more than sips, more than cogro, more than the ghetto starbucks by my house. lol. Funny how as much as i love beijing, I enjoy being in this lil space of what feels like westernization =P. If I were to ever own a coffee shop though, I'd make it smaller and even more cozier.... and I'll probably kick out all the smokers and loud ppl personally =P.
So yes, I remembered suddenly that this was supposed to be my travel blog-ish, and I haven't talked about any of my "travels" at all. I'll try to get better at this =P.
On the weekend I went to "Shi Du" with work people. I didn't actually want to be there because I didn't know most of the people and all I could really think about was the number of parties I was missing out on by going on this trip. LOL. I went cuz I felt like it would be interesting to be with locals for a while... this whole... being a small person in a small company with a small group of people... local thing. It was really pretty, and really cold o.O. [btw. bridge is super cold. just like the rest of this city. GOSH heating needs to come soon.... before we all freeze and die] we had a campfire at night complete with firecrackers and sparklers and singing and screaming and laughing and drinking and dancing. it was a good night =). next day went sightseeing and ... i rode a horse for the first time! =D... and more of floating down a river and stuff. really though, for me, travelling really has ceased to be about the places themselves but all about the people that u're with. which actually made the weekend somewhat kind of difficult.... it was a whole weekend of pretending to be local, guarding against every accidental escape of an english word or expression, any sign of being un-local. exhausting and unbelievably fake. o.O. i tried though. and made a lot of friends. met a lot of ppl. it was fun =D.
i should go get some actual work done. and i keep losing my train of thought cuz talking to zhu and watching ppl. lol. very distracting. =P
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
... and let go.
had this conversation w/ friends about this... blogging thing today. and vtunnel was introduced to me... so I suddenly regained access to xanga and lj.
apparently... my memory seems to be... dying off. lol. i have actually managed to forget a lot of stuff. reading back on it all.... wow. the word of my life seems to have been. exhaustion. LOL. i need to stop doing this. i need to chill and not fill up every second of every day o.O. but yes... reading back on it all, going back through the years...
and i fail to continue. lol. somethings are better left unsaid =). but one thing is clear. according to these blogs. I seem to be happier lately than I have ever been since aa died. =P.
beijing is getting SO cold. heating needs to come soon... this is seriously inhumane. GOSH. lol.
apparently... my memory seems to be... dying off. lol. i have actually managed to forget a lot of stuff. reading back on it all.... wow. the word of my life seems to have been. exhaustion. LOL. i need to stop doing this. i need to chill and not fill up every second of every day o.O. but yes... reading back on it all, going back through the years...
and i fail to continue. lol. somethings are better left unsaid =). but one thing is clear. according to these blogs. I seem to be happier lately than I have ever been since aa died. =P.
beijing is getting SO cold. heating needs to come soon... this is seriously inhumane. GOSH. lol.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
living for the moment.
so many places to go.
so many things to try.
so many people to meet.
i say things and do things that i don't mean.
i hear the word and i wonder who said them.
i see the reflection and i wonder who she is.
i act and i wonder who she's portraying.
i surprise myself.
she's not me.
the more i feel like ppl r trying to get to know me.
the more i do this.
i put me away and show them what i think they want to see.
i don't know who she is.
i don't know why she does this.
living for the moment.
each moment, each situation, she's a different person.
who is this mad woman.
i'm not her.
where did she hide me?
so many things to try.
so many people to meet.
i say things and do things that i don't mean.
i hear the word and i wonder who said them.
i see the reflection and i wonder who she is.
i act and i wonder who she's portraying.
i surprise myself.
she's not me.
the more i feel like ppl r trying to get to know me.
the more i do this.
i put me away and show them what i think they want to see.
i don't know who she is.
i don't know why she does this.
living for the moment.
each moment, each situation, she's a different person.
who is this mad woman.
i'm not her.
where did she hide me?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
<3 friends.
ahhhhhh. i love my friends =).
recent amazingness of friends...
(in order of occurences =P)
[edit: removed identifiers. cuz apparently some ppl like to guess and figure out which ones apply to whom. enjoy =P]
1. late night "i'll meet u at the corner"ness. we'll be friends for life. and i'm grateful cuz u're here.
2. "i'll be right over".... "wth. i thot u were dead". thk u dear.
3. Skype. because it brings u closer.
4. daily dose of u is more than just necessary. u're gonna mk me die laughing =D
5. gosh i miss u. i swear i'll get to my emails asap... msn makes me miss u more ='(
6. fb msgs. i'll reply soon. i swear. but i loved that update. i'm glad all's well =]
7. recognition of my wardrobe. LMAO.
8. 10 hour session at Bridge Cafe = $280. o.O. omg. but oh so worth it =D
9. "but that doesn't mean i don't miss u"... fine. i forgive u. lol.
10. housemate love. 1am "yeayuhz?"..... "YEAYUHz!". lol. =P
11. "i've started noticing the time. u usually get online around 8 45am ur time." ahhhhh. the love =D
i heart technology. it brings u all closer to me.
i heart beijing. for those of u that r here =).
and i know i don't say this enough... or like... ever. lol.
but... i heart friends. u guys make life oh so amazing. every single day =].
thk u =)
recent amazingness of friends...
(in order of occurences =P)
[edit: removed identifiers. cuz apparently some ppl like to guess and figure out which ones apply to whom. enjoy =P]
1. late night "i'll meet u at the corner"ness. we'll be friends for life. and i'm grateful cuz u're here.
2. "i'll be right over".... "wth. i thot u were dead". thk u dear.
3. Skype. because it brings u closer.
4. daily dose of u is more than just necessary. u're gonna mk me die laughing =D
5. gosh i miss u. i swear i'll get to my emails asap... msn makes me miss u more ='(
6. fb msgs. i'll reply soon. i swear. but i loved that update. i'm glad all's well =]
7. recognition of my wardrobe. LMAO.
8. 10 hour session at Bridge Cafe = $280. o.O. omg. but oh so worth it =D
9. "but that doesn't mean i don't miss u"... fine. i forgive u. lol.
10. housemate love. 1am "yeayuhz?"..... "YEAYUHz!". lol. =P
11. "i've started noticing the time. u usually get online around 8 45am ur time." ahhhhh. the love =D
i heart technology. it brings u all closer to me.
i heart beijing. for those of u that r here =).
and i know i don't say this enough... or like... ever. lol.
but... i heart friends. u guys make life oh so amazing. every single day =].
thk u =)
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
photo blog #2 - a morning in the life of tee.
this may be as lame as can be. lol.
here is a glimpse in the life of me here.
on the other side of the world.
and hopefully u can see why i'm loving it all so much =)
i apologize for the quality of photos. on cell phone and while moving.
so I woke up to another beautiful day in Beijing this morning.
I'm trying very hard to do this local thing of... a very regularized lifestyle.
This was at 8am in the morning, I'm on my way to school an hour early =)
Not a single cloud in the sky and as blue as can be.
what pollution dear western media. and this is after Beijing resumed biz as usual.
shut the duck up. it's beautiful.
... and what do i see in the bike parking shelter parked beside me?
*meow* o.O *rawr*
right under the sun. ahhhh. so comfy looking =)
here is a glimpse in the life of me here.
on the other side of the world.
and hopefully u can see why i'm loving it all so much =)
i apologize for the quality of photos. on cell phone and while moving.
so I woke up to another beautiful day in Beijing this morning.I'm trying very hard to do this local thing of... a very regularized lifestyle.
This was at 8am in the morning, I'm on my way to school an hour early =)
Not a single cloud in the sky and as blue as can be.
what pollution dear western media. and this is after Beijing resumed biz as usual.
shut the duck up. it's beautiful.
... and what do i see in the bike parking shelter parked beside me?*meow* o.O *rawr*
right under the sun. ahhhh. so comfy looking =)
LMAO. this is a glimpse of me on my 3 minute bike ride to schoolobviously failed at taking picture while speeding against traffic =P
and YES. that is my Queen's Commerce sweater. QC pride. =)
inside the east entrance of PKU.everyone on their bikes. and the library straight ahead.
guanghua is to the left pas
classes are on, so traffic is down.
the making of my breakfast =Dyummilicious =]
class. arrived 20 min early. lol.there's my breakfast. =)
soy milk, banana, and that pancake concoction the lady was making earlier =)
... annnnnnd that was my morning.
hope u had a good one too =)
Sunday, October 12, 2008
In these small hours.
loving this song.
Little Wonders - Rob Thomas.
time falls away... in these small hours... really. living life thru these lil hours.
(k def did not know this was from meet the robinsons. Rob Thomas is hot though =P.)
i apologize for the lack of email correspondance lately. returning from vacation has me overwhelmed between school, work, clubs, meetings, dinners, re-settling in, and meeting ppl, etc etc. it's been amazing. as I can't seem to stop expressing.
Was talking to KJ the other day, and he mentioned that it's a little scary, in the sense that sometimes it seems as though I'm going to say anytime now that I'm gonna stay here and not go back again.
made me think a little, and I must say that ... it has crossed my mind, or has been at the back of my mind all this time. Before, when I used to come back for summer vacations, every time as I leave Beijing and fly back to Toronto, the same question always arises "why am I leaving. why would I EVER... want to leave?" lol. once upon a time there was a bf to fly back to, and of course, school, family, friends, and everything else that comes with still being a kid... now that's no longer an issue really, and options seem to present themselves that make this dream of coming back, for real, so much more... tangible.
anyhow, I don't actually have time to be dwelling over this right now. so much to do. kinda need time to pause for just a lil bit so I can get caught up and carry on living this life.
once again. I'm loving it all.
I'm thankful for everything that I have right now.
I'm thankful for having you guys still in my life (friends must be the best thing that's ever happened in my life. lol. esp ff. just... knowing that u're all ... good and happy makes me happy. all 21 of u. =])
I'm thankful for those of you who are in Beijing. So I'm failing horribly at this integrating myself with locals part..... but having you all here, exploring and living and having the time of our lives... is more than I could've ever asked for.
happy thanksgiving dears =)
oh p.s. HEART wongfu. GOSH. make me smile anytime any day.
Little Wonders - Rob Thomas.
time falls away... in these small hours... really. living life thru these lil hours.
(k def did not know this was from meet the robinsons. Rob Thomas is hot though =P.)
i apologize for the lack of email correspondance lately. returning from vacation has me overwhelmed between school, work, clubs, meetings, dinners, re-settling in, and meeting ppl, etc etc. it's been amazing. as I can't seem to stop expressing.
Was talking to KJ the other day, and he mentioned that it's a little scary, in the sense that sometimes it seems as though I'm going to say anytime now that I'm gonna stay here and not go back again.
made me think a little, and I must say that ... it has crossed my mind, or has been at the back of my mind all this time. Before, when I used to come back for summer vacations, every time as I leave Beijing and fly back to Toronto, the same question always arises "why am I leaving. why would I EVER... want to leave?" lol. once upon a time there was a bf to fly back to, and of course, school, family, friends, and everything else that comes with still being a kid... now that's no longer an issue really, and options seem to present themselves that make this dream of coming back, for real, so much more... tangible.
anyhow, I don't actually have time to be dwelling over this right now. so much to do. kinda need time to pause for just a lil bit so I can get caught up and carry on living this life.
once again. I'm loving it all.
I'm thankful for everything that I have right now.
I'm thankful for having you guys still in my life (friends must be the best thing that's ever happened in my life. lol. esp ff. just... knowing that u're all ... good and happy makes me happy. all 21 of u. =])
I'm thankful for those of you who are in Beijing. So I'm failing horribly at this integrating myself with locals part..... but having you all here, exploring and living and having the time of our lives... is more than I could've ever asked for.
happy thanksgiving dears =)
oh p.s. HEART wongfu. GOSH. make me smile anytime any day.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
another perspective.
things r a lil overwhelming lately. can't believe there's so much to do and so lil time.
I wanted to talk about why I love PKU as much as I do, I seem to have only been talking about how much I love everything without ever explaining why. But I guess that will have to come later, as there are other things on my mind right now.
This whole thing with... "coming home"... has been a very strange kind of experience. The desperate need to run and escape from all the problems and negativity in Chongqing was one thing, but gaining acceptance by family here in Beijing has been another issue altogether. My grandparents that have been living in Brazil for the past 13 years are visiting in Toronto right now before coming back to China for good in December. For the first time since... ever, my parents finally had a "heart to heart" with my dear grandma who... has her own judgments about me that I never understood.
Hearing my mom relay the conversation to me.... there was silence. there was anger. there was indignity, outrage, disappointment.... and in a sense... understanding. I was shocked that she would think as she does... even after everything (yeah, I was surprised that I could still be shocked by her, too). and I'm so grateful... SO grateful.... to my parents for standing up for me, esp my dad, for me against his mother.
but i'm starting to get it. it all finally pieced itself together... the me they see. the me we let them see. the US we let them see. of course they'd think the way they thing. and suddenly the way they treat me, the way my aunt and uncle and cousin treat me... all kinda make a lot more sense. and I really don't think that would change just because my parents talked to them, but.... to me, it explains a lot... and will make dealing with them a lot easier.
it's the same thing really. me in their eyes... and the me in his eyes... ..... really... they see what they see, for reasons that are... really not anyone's fault. it's just another perspective. I can live with that.
in the end however. it just reminds me. afterall.
ma raison d'etre. it doesn't change.
I wanted to talk about why I love PKU as much as I do, I seem to have only been talking about how much I love everything without ever explaining why. But I guess that will have to come later, as there are other things on my mind right now.
This whole thing with... "coming home"... has been a very strange kind of experience. The desperate need to run and escape from all the problems and negativity in Chongqing was one thing, but gaining acceptance by family here in Beijing has been another issue altogether. My grandparents that have been living in Brazil for the past 13 years are visiting in Toronto right now before coming back to China for good in December. For the first time since... ever, my parents finally had a "heart to heart" with my dear grandma who... has her own judgments about me that I never understood.
Hearing my mom relay the conversation to me.... there was silence. there was anger. there was indignity, outrage, disappointment.... and in a sense... understanding. I was shocked that she would think as she does... even after everything (yeah, I was surprised that I could still be shocked by her, too). and I'm so grateful... SO grateful.... to my parents for standing up for me, esp my dad, for me against his mother.
but i'm starting to get it. it all finally pieced itself together... the me they see. the me we let them see. the US we let them see. of course they'd think the way they thing. and suddenly the way they treat me, the way my aunt and uncle and cousin treat me... all kinda make a lot more sense. and I really don't think that would change just because my parents talked to them, but.... to me, it explains a lot... and will make dealing with them a lot easier.
it's the same thing really. me in their eyes... and the me in his eyes... ..... really... they see what they see, for reasons that are... really not anyone's fault. it's just another perspective. I can live with that.
in the end however. it just reminds me. afterall.
ma raison d'etre. it doesn't change.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
satisfied happiness.
i'm happy.
LOL. I'm happy. Really. I think Beijing suits me. I think I am a happier person here.
Do I still moan and complain and get irrationally irritable over stupid little things? Of course. I said I was happy, not unhuman =P.
So yes, there are still things I wish could be different - i.e. family, and ... future career, etc. lol.
I find that I'm a very ... irrational person. Everyone wants security, and I'm sure I want security. But as soon as security is given to me I feel cornered and trapped and the first instinct is to run, as fast as I can, as far as I can. This is why I fail at relationships, haha. This is why 3 summers at the same place in a sense, frightens me beyond belief.
I'm sorry I sidetrack. =P. So yes, despite little things, I'm happy. I still talk to my mom like... twice a day everyday. Ironic how it is more than I would talk to her back in Toronto, living at home or at my own place. =P.
I had a point to this post.
I'm... happy. genuinely happy.the sun shines gloriously in China, and even the rainy days aren't as gloomy.
Roasted sweet potato stands are starting to pepper the streets of Beijing, and the sky is getting dark by 6 or 7pm. Somehow this all reminds me of when I was little and mom would bike me home. Somehow this all seems like where I am supposed to be. the life I'm supposed to live.
and every little thing about this place, makes me genuinely happy.
sidenote: added Sept29th 9:30am
because it shouldn't be a post on its own, i'm tagging it on.
... and i can't DO this okay? i can't do this.
I think it's when I was w/ ppl before and i used to msg u.
i realize now how horrible that must've been.
i ... lack ur courtesy and patience.
i physically cannot do this. as much as i should be able to.
it tears me apart somehow. and i pretend like i don't see and i don't know.
as selfish and possessive as i know this all sounds...
i can go on and live my life and it'd all be fine.
but we .... are not friends. we... nvr could be friends.
maybe one day. way down in the future.
but right now. i can't do this.
LOL. I'm happy. Really. I think Beijing suits me. I think I am a happier person here.
Do I still moan and complain and get irrationally irritable over stupid little things? Of course. I said I was happy, not unhuman =P.
So yes, there are still things I wish could be different - i.e. family, and ... future career, etc. lol.
I find that I'm a very ... irrational person. Everyone wants security, and I'm sure I want security. But as soon as security is given to me I feel cornered and trapped and the first instinct is to run, as fast as I can, as far as I can. This is why I fail at relationships, haha. This is why 3 summers at the same place in a sense, frightens me beyond belief.
I'm sorry I sidetrack. =P. So yes, despite little things, I'm happy. I still talk to my mom like... twice a day everyday. Ironic how it is more than I would talk to her back in Toronto, living at home or at my own place. =P.
I had a point to this post.
I'm... happy. genuinely happy.the sun shines gloriously in China, and even the rainy days aren't as gloomy.
Roasted sweet potato stands are starting to pepper the streets of Beijing, and the sky is getting dark by 6 or 7pm. Somehow this all reminds me of when I was little and mom would bike me home. Somehow this all seems like where I am supposed to be. the life I'm supposed to live.
and every little thing about this place, makes me genuinely happy.
sidenote: added Sept29th 9:30am
because it shouldn't be a post on its own, i'm tagging it on.
... and i can't DO this okay? i can't do this.
I think it's when I was w/ ppl before and i used to msg u.
i realize now how horrible that must've been.
i ... lack ur courtesy and patience.
i physically cannot do this. as much as i should be able to.
it tears me apart somehow. and i pretend like i don't see and i don't know.
as selfish and possessive as i know this all sounds...
i can go on and live my life and it'd all be fine.
but we .... are not friends. we... nvr could be friends.
maybe one day. way down in the future.
but right now. i can't do this.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Friday.
今天北京的天很蓝，很美。
The sky in Beijing was really blue and pretty today.
卢亦卓刚来加拿大的时候总是拿着她的相机不停的拍多伦多的天。
When Daisy first came to Canada, she would take endless pictures of the sky in Toronto with her camera.
我一直不明白，因为我一直觉得北京的天很美。
I never understood, because I always felt that the sky in Beijing was really pretty.
过了一整个星期自己一个人的生活了。
It's been a full week of living on my own, by myself.
每天被我喜欢的课占得满满的。
Everyday has been filled with classes that I really enjoy.
在食堂里人挤人，然后再匆忙的一边问路一边跑到下一个教室。
Squished to bits in the crowded cafs, and rushing my way to class as I ask for directions every 2 seconds.
这种生活很充实，真得过得很开心。
Life like this is very... fulfilling, satisfying, I'm really enjoying myself.
好像在这一片熟悉又陌生的土地上，我开始找到我自己的一片天地，我自己生活的规律。
As if ... in this familiar but strange land, I have been able to find my own little space, and my own routines.
我很感激我身边的每一个人。让我自己一个人的生活其实并不孤独。
I'm very grateful for everyone around me. They make life on my own not really all lonely at all.
我很喜欢在北京的感觉，喜欢周围都讲中文的那种氛围。
I really like the feeling in Beijing, I like how everyone around me speaks Mandarin.
曾经有人说过，一个人讲母语的时候，离心最近。
Someone once said, one is closest to the heart when they speak their mother tongue.
也许是一个很傻的理由，但我真得觉得，回了家就是这样的。
This may be a stupid reason, but I really feel that that's why it's home.
现在的这种生活很平静。少了以前的很多无理取闹。
Life as it currently is... is very calm. Without much of the drama from before.
我不认为是在逃避多伦多的现实，哪怕我还是经常会因为某某原因抱头逃下msn。
I don't think I'm escaping the reality back in Toronto, even though I often still run off MSN for one reason or another.
其实我觉得我在成长，在生我养我的土地上重新找回自己。
Actually, I think I'm maturing, on this land where I was born and bred, re-finding myself.
我真得很喜欢现在这种平静的生活。
I really like the calmness of my life here and now.
今天北京的天很蓝，很美。
The sky in Beijing was really blue and pretty today.
The sky in Beijing was really blue and pretty today.
卢亦卓刚来加拿大的时候总是拿着她的相机不停的拍多伦多的天。
When Daisy first came to Canada, she would take endless pictures of the sky in Toronto with her camera.
我一直不明白，因为我一直觉得北京的天很美。
I never understood, because I always felt that the sky in Beijing was really pretty.
过了一整个星期自己一个人的生活了。
It's been a full week of living on my own, by myself.
每天被我喜欢的课占得满满的。
Everyday has been filled with classes that I really enjoy.
在食堂里人挤人，然后再匆忙的一边问路一边跑到下一个教室。
Squished to bits in the crowded cafs, and rushing my way to class as I ask for directions every 2 seconds.
这种生活很充实，真得过得很开心。
Life like this is very... fulfilling, satisfying, I'm really enjoying myself.
好像在这一片熟悉又陌生的土地上，我开始找到我自己的一片天地，我自己生活的规律。
As if ... in this familiar but strange land, I have been able to find my own little space, and my own routines.
我很感激我身边的每一个人。让我自己一个人的生活其实并不孤独。
I'm very grateful for everyone around me. They make life on my own not really all lonely at all.
我很喜欢在北京的感觉，喜欢周围都讲中文的那种氛围。
I really like the feeling in Beijing, I like how everyone around me speaks Mandarin.
曾经有人说过，一个人讲母语的时候，离心最近。
Someone once said, one is closest to the heart when they speak their mother tongue.
也许是一个很傻的理由，但我真得觉得，回了家就是这样的。
This may be a stupid reason, but I really feel that that's why it's home.
现在的这种生活很平静。少了以前的很多无理取闹。
Life as it currently is... is very calm. Without much of the drama from before.
我不认为是在逃避多伦多的现实，哪怕我还是经常会因为某某原因抱头逃下msn。
I don't think I'm escaping the reality back in Toronto, even though I often still run off MSN for one reason or another.
其实我觉得我在成长，在生我养我的土地上重新找回自己。
Actually, I think I'm maturing, on this land where I was born and bred, re-finding myself.
我真得很喜欢现在这种平静的生活。
I really like the calmness of my life here and now.
今天北京的天很蓝，很美。
The sky in Beijing was really blue and pretty today.
Monday, September 22, 2008
what dreams are made of.
I don't have a lot of time because i really should goto sleep. but I must say this. I LOVE BEIJING. I LOVE PKU. I love everything about everything right now.
just had my first day of... real classes i guess. from 12:30 noon to 9pm, with about 1 hour break in between. I finally got my student card, and then meal card. The caf was absolutely amazing. lol. it's funny how easily I really AM satisfied. had tomato fried egg with rice for about... less than $0.50 canadian. I was... very close to my personal heaven. lol. Also had a great conversation with a random guy that sat down accross from me in the caf, which made it even better. I love social interactions. I love meeting people and... esp local PKU students. If we only took the courses we're supposed to take, we are SO far removed from the local scene, it's as though it's a completely different world. So I have been trying very hard to meet local students, and with that, also sitting in on a lot of classes that I'm not signed up for. What can I say... the business courses are business courses... whatever. I will seriously pick up a Chinese accent from my dear profs by the time I come back. lol. So I goto classes like Chinese philosophy that I can barely understand, but LOVE beyond belief.
The opening ceremonies for PKU took place last Sunday at the stadium where Olympic and Paralympic pingpong events were held, where the 3 Chinese flag was raised at the same time twice. It was nothing short of amazing. All of my expectations for a boring opening ceremony was shattered to pieces. It was... more than what I have words for.
Anyway, basically, the courses I'm supposed to take are.... exactly as they are... business and... dry really. hoping they get better soon. but the courses I'm sitting in on... man there are SO many that I wanna go listen to, but there's just not enough time in a day. So basically, I'm spending 80% of the time on courses I'm not really taking, and maybe 20% on what I'm signed up for -_-". but I'm still enjoying it all to the max =D.
Life is good. and it's only going to get better.
I have waited.... 15 years to get to this university. and x number of months waiting for this exchange. these next 4 months are going to be my once in a life time. and i'm going to make sure i get the most out of it.
I'm loving it all =)
just had my first day of... real classes i guess. from 12:30 noon to 9pm, with about 1 hour break in between. I finally got my student card, and then meal card. The caf was absolutely amazing. lol. it's funny how easily I really AM satisfied. had tomato fried egg with rice for about... less than $0.50 canadian. I was... very close to my personal heaven. lol. Also had a great conversation with a random guy that sat down accross from me in the caf, which made it even better. I love social interactions. I love meeting people and... esp local PKU students. If we only took the courses we're supposed to take, we are SO far removed from the local scene, it's as though it's a completely different world. So I have been trying very hard to meet local students, and with that, also sitting in on a lot of classes that I'm not signed up for. What can I say... the business courses are business courses... whatever. I will seriously pick up a Chinese accent from my dear profs by the time I come back. lol. So I goto classes like Chinese philosophy that I can barely understand, but LOVE beyond belief.
The opening ceremonies for PKU took place last Sunday at the stadium where Olympic and Paralympic pingpong events were held, where the 3 Chinese flag was raised at the same time twice. It was nothing short of amazing. All of my expectations for a boring opening ceremony was shattered to pieces. It was... more than what I have words for.
Anyway, basically, the courses I'm supposed to take are.... exactly as they are... business and... dry really. hoping they get better soon. but the courses I'm sitting in on... man there are SO many that I wanna go listen to, but there's just not enough time in a day. So basically, I'm spending 80% of the time on courses I'm not really taking, and maybe 20% on what I'm signed up for -_-". but I'm still enjoying it all to the max =D.
Life is good. and it's only going to get better.
I have waited.... 15 years to get to this university. and x number of months waiting for this exchange. these next 4 months are going to be my once in a life time. and i'm going to make sure i get the most out of it.
I'm loving it all =)
Saturday, September 20, 2008
settling in.
it's been a week since my last post... which actually means that i had been homeless for a week. .... lol. but i've finally found a home for me. a small lil room that can fit only a single bed, a desk, a chair, and a bookshelf... not even a closet to hang clothes. the carpet is... bright evergreen coloured... and the furniture is like... dark red. o.o. the curtains are tacky and the tv must have been a product of the 1980s too. haha.
but despite it all. i'm happy. =).
i never realized having a place to call "mine" was such a big deal before. but... yes. beijing.... eventually, gave me a lil corner to claim to be mine for the next 4 months =). Truly grateful for the dear friends who housed me for the past week.
A lot has happened in the past week, and it has definitely been an adventure. In lieu of... details. I'm just going to say for now, that... there's nowhere I'd rather be than right here in Beijing. Despite everything, and because of everything. I can't believe I'm actually here, and classes are actually starting... love Beijing.
but despite it all. i'm happy. =).
i never realized having a place to call "mine" was such a big deal before. but... yes. beijing.... eventually, gave me a lil corner to claim to be mine for the next 4 months =). Truly grateful for the dear friends who housed me for the past week.
A lot has happened in the past week, and it has definitely been an adventure. In lieu of... details. I'm just going to say for now, that... there's nowhere I'd rather be than right here in Beijing. Despite everything, and because of everything. I can't believe I'm actually here, and classes are actually starting... love Beijing.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
tina needs a home.
so i'm chilling at cari's. and watching her move into her new apartment and getting all settled in with her 15 and some bags, and 20 versions of everything exactly the same... lmao. i'm getting crazy jealous. w/ mo and his place, cari and her place, jacqueline and john lin all moved into rez.... and... me still living at my aunts and having received..... numerous caring (i really believe they were meant in a very caring way).... so yes, numerous caring queries as to... how my housing arrangements are coming along......... i'm desperately needing a home...
i love beijing. more than i ever imagined possible.
i've had the worst few days ever since i've been back from chonqging
so i'll share =P
......
x left wallet at home... and had to get friend to pick me up from the taxi... lol
x no one was available to pick me up from the airport so i public transited
x except it was pouring
x the bus i finally managed to get on somehow broke down on the street -_-"
x lost my IC card - public transit card
x i got hit by a car -_-".
x took the bus in the wrong on the bus over to cari's today...
x wore heels to look pretty for this stupid guy, but he dragged me to shopping o.O!
x flew back to visit my teacher on teacher's day, when i FINALLY found her, it was too late to visit =(
... think there was more...
but despite it all.... i love beijing. as i was taking the bus back to cari's house... staring out the window (even though it's actually a rather cloudy day in beijing after 4 straight days of blue skies and overly zealous sunshine)... with the wind blowing in my face... all i could think of was how much i love this place. keep wondering how it is possible for someone to love a city that they... really don't know that well... but GOSH. the love.
i heart beijing... and i have faith... that... i'll be able to find a square meter of space in this city that will let me claim to be mine... even if just for the next 6 months...
until then. i'll... keep moving between friends apartments... lol...
i heart my friends too. they're keeping me off the streets =P thk u dearsss =D
i love beijing. more than i ever imagined possible.
i've had the worst few days ever since i've been back from chonqging
so i'll share =P
......
x left wallet at home... and had to get friend to pick me up from the taxi... lol
x no one was available to pick me up from the airport so i public transited
x except it was pouring
x the bus i finally managed to get on somehow broke down on the street -_-"
x lost my IC card - public transit card
x i got hit by a car -_-".
x took the bus in the wrong on the bus over to cari's today...
x wore heels to look pretty for this stupid guy, but he dragged me to shopping o.O!
x flew back to visit my teacher on teacher's day, when i FINALLY found her, it was too late to visit =(
... think there was more...
but despite it all.... i love beijing. as i was taking the bus back to cari's house... staring out the window (even though it's actually a rather cloudy day in beijing after 4 straight days of blue skies and overly zealous sunshine)... with the wind blowing in my face... all i could think of was how much i love this place. keep wondering how it is possible for someone to love a city that they... really don't know that well... but GOSH. the love.
i heart beijing... and i have faith... that... i'll be able to find a square meter of space in this city that will let me claim to be mine... even if just for the next 6 months...
until then. i'll... keep moving between friends apartments... lol...
i heart my friends too. they're keeping me off the streets =P thk u dearsss =D
Monday, September 1, 2008
Emo Post #1: Family.
this... has been long time coming.
it is partially the reason why my posting has significantly decreased.
travel blogs should probably only about the sights and the places and the people that I see and come in touch with... but thinking back, this IS called "finding tina". and this is a huge part of it.
Since the 27th, I've been in Chongqing, in midsouthern China, a city built in the mountains, the newest of China's 4 municipalities under direct central gov't control.
It is also the home of my mom's family, where she lived for the first 20-ish years of her life.
It's weird. this side of the family, I'm the youngest and the only girl and lived in Beijing when I was little, and also the most.... "studious" and... "obedient", so quite contrary to how it is in Beijing, here I'm the favourite.
Coming back here... waves of random memories come back. from the previous times I came here on my visits back to China... and the direct contrast takes my breathe away.
in this city, there is no way that I am 20. just... no way. back here, I become 12 years old, if not less.
.... this is why I haven't posted. I don't know where to start, I don't know how to describe it all, and I don't think that I can. every time I start, I end up giving up. this must've been my 6th or 7th attempt....
I guess all I can say right now... is... with my grandpa turning 85 in 3 months after 3 strokes in the last few years... my number one priority is spending time with grandpa... and also.. my biggest challenge.. The passage of time is most apparent in young children and seniors I guess. It's almost incomprehensible how much grandpa seem to have aged in the past 2 years. It's probably not as noticeable for the people that live with him, but for me to come back expecting him to be how he was 2 years ago or even better, and seeing what I'm seeing... it simply... breaks me in a lot of ways. I learnt the Chongqing dialect overseas so that grandpa would understand me.... but now that I can actually speak it.... it seems useless because I can no longer understand him, nor can most people in the family, except for the housekeeper -_-". I was prepared for a lot, but really wasn't for the state of... everything on this side of the family. Everything just... seems so broken despite the grandeur facade. this... used to be the best of the family. this used to be the dream house that was... everything. Now, it is ... exhausting to just... exist here.... I'm... sorry to say that. I really am. I just... .. exhausted... i want to go back to beijing sooner... but it almost feel as tho i'm giving up on this family. and ... i'm def not. it's just hard. i keep running out of the room at the most inappropriate moments because I can't stop my mind from thinking and I can't stop the liquid substances that keep threatening to overflow for no reason at all. everyone else seems so used to it all. but... 2 years has changed EVERYTHING. and it's ... just not easy.
edit:
I had a point to this post ... value family when you have it.
it is partially the reason why my posting has significantly decreased.
travel blogs should probably only about the sights and the places and the people that I see and come in touch with... but thinking back, this IS called "finding tina". and this is a huge part of it.
Since the 27th, I've been in Chongqing, in midsouthern China, a city built in the mountains, the newest of China's 4 municipalities under direct central gov't control.
It is also the home of my mom's family, where she lived for the first 20-ish years of her life.
It's weird. this side of the family, I'm the youngest and the only girl and lived in Beijing when I was little, and also the most.... "studious" and... "obedient", so quite contrary to how it is in Beijing, here I'm the favourite.
Coming back here... waves of random memories come back. from the previous times I came here on my visits back to China... and the direct contrast takes my breathe away.
in this city, there is no way that I am 20. just... no way. back here, I become 12 years old, if not less.
.... this is why I haven't posted. I don't know where to start, I don't know how to describe it all, and I don't think that I can. every time I start, I end up giving up. this must've been my 6th or 7th attempt....
I guess all I can say right now... is... with my grandpa turning 85 in 3 months after 3 strokes in the last few years... my number one priority is spending time with grandpa... and also.. my biggest challenge.. The passage of time is most apparent in young children and seniors I guess. It's almost incomprehensible how much grandpa seem to have aged in the past 2 years. It's probably not as noticeable for the people that live with him, but for me to come back expecting him to be how he was 2 years ago or even better, and seeing what I'm seeing... it simply... breaks me in a lot of ways. I learnt the Chongqing dialect overseas so that grandpa would understand me.... but now that I can actually speak it.... it seems useless because I can no longer understand him, nor can most people in the family, except for the housekeeper -_-". I was prepared for a lot, but really wasn't for the state of... everything on this side of the family. Everything just... seems so broken despite the grandeur facade. this... used to be the best of the family. this used to be the dream house that was... everything. Now, it is ... exhausting to just... exist here.... I'm... sorry to say that. I really am. I just... .. exhausted... i want to go back to beijing sooner... but it almost feel as tho i'm giving up on this family. and ... i'm def not. it's just hard. i keep running out of the room at the most inappropriate moments because I can't stop my mind from thinking and I can't stop the liquid substances that keep threatening to overflow for no reason at all. everyone else seems so used to it all. but... 2 years has changed EVERYTHING. and it's ... just not easy.
edit:
I had a point to this post ... value family when you have it.
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