trigger. relapse. collapse.

拨出那几个不能再熟悉的电话号码。
不能阻止心中的颤抖。
听到他妈妈熟悉的声音，很开心。
挂断电话之后眼泪马上唰唰的掉了下来。
接受不了他用那种口气跟我说话。
绝对不允许自己再一次被他伤到。

all i want for xmas.

are friends.
oh. and perfectly beijing-accented and english-speaking mandarin boys.
听到如此标准的北京口音，的确没有任何抵抗力。
跨海的一条短信，只有4个字，“是为你好”。
我笑了。一切都如此的简单。好开心。

我什么都不想要，只是希望身边可以有几个北京哥们儿可以陪我吃饭，陪我喝酒，陪我找串儿吃，陪我疯，陪我闹。哥们儿就好。

对北京男人确实没有抵抗力。×唉。。。

这两天在读之前的日记。是好事也不是好事。
“最开心的时候，唯一的遗憾就是你不在身边跟我一起分享这份快乐。”
回到多伦多以后的不开心。。。
貌似是因为“开心”的时候，连可以想的人，都没有。

i miss being able to make a wish, and actually believe that it could come true. if i just wished hard enough.

learning from history

i realized that there's an issue with moving around.

it enhances memory loss with the lack of surrounding context as reminders.

in addition to my already non-existent memory, the moving around, attending 12 schools, too many all-nighters and a lot of excessive consumption of alcohol, as well as purposefully forgetting certain parts of my life, i officially have messed up memories and interpretations of my life.

i think it might be easier if i simply had the memory of a fish, period. lol.

but i read back yesterday. to my journal started on the plane-ride back to Beijing this past February. and was astounded at the amount of information I found in there that I have clearly forgotten in the past 9 months. bu there were such profound realizations and tidbits of knowledge & judgments. I probably would've saved myself a lot of agony and hours wasted pinning away after pointless things.

must must must consolidate these learnings to be constantly by me somehow. as to enable me to live my life more effectively and actually learn from my own history -_____-"

i will do this over xmas. 

enable here and now.

p.s. the ex-best-friend is coming home today.

i haven't been caring. yet there's a semi-unconscious countdown. LOL.

what difference does it make? =).

TINA: consolidate ur memory. and learn. and remember. c'monnnnn.