Chinese New Year in China~! =D

First off: HAPPY NIU YEAR =)
祝大家新年快乐，万事如意，阖家欢乐。 还有- 好好学习天天向上 =P LOL

warning: another long and boring one -_-" just scroll down for the picture =P

The last time I spent Chinese New Year in the motherland was 12 years ago, the last time it was the Year of the Ox. We have come full circle. Last time we celebrated here was in Chongqing too, as Beijing grandparents were in Brazil already. My memories of Chinese New Year consist of... a vague memory of my dad lighting firecrackers and me running away scared... (this I think I only remember because of a picture =P) ... I kind of remember the last year that fireworks were allowed in cities, me and daddie looking out the window, watching other people's lil fireworks in the backyard. then it all becomes Chongqing, mini-balloons with cousins and lots of food and people and.... lots of people. happy people. loud people. and then in Canada, with the family that we stayed with when we first came, it was a tradition for the first few years to goto their house, with lots of other new immigrant families and kids and red pockets and broken English (by the parents) and broken Chinese (by the kids). and then it started being dinner and Chun Wan with YMX's family, and family friends in common. lol. can't miss that. I think, esp overseas, it becomes such a big deal. but yeah. it's always been loud. happy. warm. big dinner. togetherness =).

ooooh! suddenly remembered last Chinese New Year in Kingston. We were all stuck in K-town with midterms and random stuff, so QUCSA hosted this huge 200 ppl dinner with 糖葫芦 and performances and everything.... despite our efforts, things didn't really go as planned. In the end, past midnight, the group of us execs, exhausted beyond belief, drove//taxied to the Fort Henry. LOL. on the top of the big mountain at Fort Henry, staring down at Kingston, surrounded by snow, and right by the army residences... we let off fireworks. I was calling my mommie on the phone, and just as we were about to finish, we saw a police cruiser wind up the hill, so we lit everything we had, and sent off the biggest one we had, and stood back to watch, while the police cruiser pulled up closer. LOL. fun times =)

So yeah. I imagined real Chinese New Year in China to be absolutely amazing, with red everywhere and nian huo and candy and lil kids and happy people =D. maybe no more red pockets because I'm old. lol. but still warm and happy =). [still really looking forward to miao hui. I have no memory of ever being to one, but randomly imagine it to be awesome =P]

I think.... through this Chinese New Year.... I have learned the importance of family, more than ever, and the togetherness of family. For all the money in the world. For all the houses, all the jewellery, all the luxuries. I'd rather have a family that's happily together. doesn't matter where. doesn't matter what we have. It's about being together. and I'm grateful, because I have had that for the past 12 years that we were away. and that's all it matters.

Watched chunwan live on real tv for the first time in so long. LOL. remember years of frustration, at first, watching by video tape a week later, then attempts to get online and watching crazy lagged cctv.com, then attempts at cable, and finally just getting ymx's family to bring over DVD 9 hours later and watching it our time. haha.... yeah. but omgosh. so many more distractions in China. nonstop txt msgs, phone calls, and bursts of fireworks and firecrackers outside. I finally know why the last performance before the countdown is usually not that interesting. cuz NO ONE is watching. hahahha. everyone is outside. OMGosh. was a war going on outside, fireworks from the roof, from the balcony, in the garden, thru apartment windows, on the sidewalk. absolutely insane. and AWESOME =). and today we came home, and lit firecrackers at the villa. HEHE =D FIRECRACKERS! such a foreign experience for me. LOL. but so much fun. our poor dog got scared out of his mind tho. awwww. but yeah. highlight of this cny experience =D.

in the end.

after me and mommie ran out to go watch the fireworks during the countdown... we came back, and mommie went to check on grandpa, ran back out to tell me that grandpa was watching the fireworks too (we thought he was asleep)! so me and mommie went to go watch the fireworks with grandpa while he lied in bed, watching out the window. Grandpa... after the most recent hospital trip... only nods/shakes head to everything we ask/say, sleeps most of the time and sits up only for meals... but he said something as we were watching with him, after 5 tries and numerous guesses from mommie, apparently he asked "does Canada have fireworks for Chinese New Year?"[k he actually only said 4 words in Chinese, but it's what he meant to say] ... this is the most I have heard him say all trip. Mommie was happy about how lucid he still actually is. I think... more than anything. this is what I'll remember about this Chinese New Year.

babies =).

babies make me happy. =]

This was taken a couple of days ago at my cousin's cousin's son's first bday. it just so happens that it's on the same day as my cousin's bday except he's turning 25. lol. but they get to celebrate together =).

lol poor lil kid started crying like mad cuz too many ppl and too scary, but soooooooooooooooooooo adorable =). man babies r so cute =D.

I want 2 babies. the first has to be a boy baby and i'm gonna nickname him 北北，and then a babie girl, 京京 =D. hehe. and then i get to say things like. 北北京京过来！北北京京乖哈~！ =D

and then they hafta stay babies forever. not ever allowed to grow up. and become teenagers and make me mad and make me worry. they get to stay my lil 北北京京forever =) hehe..

(.... the above wasn't me talking. i hate kids. lol. babies r just cute. =P)

It's Chinese New Years eve in China today.... I had been looking forward to this for soooooooooo long. was not quite prepared for this. =T. but it's all good =). It's part of growing up. Things aren't always like what you thought/felt they were 12 years ago. that's fine. =]. Chongqing's just... gray and rainy and cold. but that's okay too. cuz that's just the way this city is. =P. Still hear sporatic bursts of fireworks outside. fireworks are quite different seen between tall tall groups of buildings versus open fields back in Toronto.

and here's my 25-yr-old cousin.
stealing my 1-yr-old nephew's toy car =P

happy chinese new year dears =)

food. festivities. family.

FOOD.
highlight of chongqing: FOOD.
oh and seeing grandpa get better. but that later.
omg. chongqing food is too good =D.
sitting on the side of the street eating 4RMB ( = 0.75 CDN?) noodles is just... too delicious for words.
missed chongqing spicyness [ soooo much better than the blah spicyness elsewhere ;) ]
i have vowed to stuff myself for the next 10 days in order to prepare for the upcoming deprivation in Europe. lol.

FESTIVITIES.
we went shopping today. and i realized how close Chinese New Year is to be upon us. it was so pretty. all the decorations up for sale. will take a picture to show u guys after. =P. but yes. i saw a lil hand-held air pump for lil balloons. and BOOM memories flashed back at me. of me and cousin pumping up room full *literally* room full of mini balloons, and then wait for Chinese New Year, and run in and jump like crazy with everyone else and break them all. lol. (background info: fire crackers were banned in all major cities sometime when I was 7 or 8, so instead, mini ballons slightly bigger than a fist were introduced to replace firecrackers... well, kinda sound the same when u pop a lot of mini ballons at the same time. lol) so yeahhhh. Was so excited for Chinese New Years in China. but the "villa" seems sooooo empty and dead inside that to put up any decorations would be a mockery... cousins r both too busy running their business and aunt too distressed... lol. it's okay. i've got memories. these flashes of memories that come back from looking at random things is pretty crazy as is =)

FAMILY.
is good. grandpa is getting better. this last round of hospital stays and being on the brink has made him way too skinny and more silent than ever... but i'm still counting my every blessing and thanking the stars that grandpa seems to be getting better.
here is mommie cutting grandpa's hair. shoulda taken a before after pic. he looked so much better after she was done =)



p.s. grateful for the small things.

乱乱的重庆。

我这次回重庆，其实是想用这十天的时间好好休息休息，整理整理心情，好好地对这个学期做一个总结，然后准备好去欧洲的事情。。。
但好像每次回重庆都会这个样子。。。 面对重庆的一切一切，我一下子变成一个什么都不懂的小孩子，但其实每次也都会突然好像长大很多。
重庆乱得让我有点不知所措，所以在两个哥哥的维护之下，也就装傻，扮小，什么都不管... 把耳机带起来，我什么都听不见 =)

drawn-out goodbye.

as what seems like the last person to leave beijing from first term exchange... there have been too many goodbyes. over the past month, i feel like i've been to a million and one goodbye dinners, sent off all these ppl, and went to the airport too many times to count. lei cafe. that bookstore. olympic store. hagen daz. as i walk thru T3 this time.... i realize i can't even really blog about it. lol. cuz i'm still going to be back there one more time when i go back to beijing, and then again when i fly to spain. o.O wayyy too many trips to the airport in the past while =T. i miss the train.

finished last exam. packed for 1.5 days. saw some ppl for the last time, dropped off / exchanged lil parting gifts, showed mommie around pku. cleaned out my room, and said silent goodbyes to this crappy lil apartment that i called home for the past 4 months. and walked out for the last time. and flew to chongqing after a 2 hour delay at the airport. and i guess thus ending my exchange term at PKU.

but it's weird cuz i know i'll be back in 10 days for a 1.5 day layover before i fly to spain. lol. weird. i feel like the next 10 days will be spent trying to say goodbye to this place and this term while the fog in chongqing damper my original enthusiasm at the chance to spend chinese new years in china for the first time in 12 yrs. lol.

i wish i could be more excited about europe. cari says it's cuz i haven't started planning it yet. so i will also start doing that =). tho the madrid-barcelona-paris trip that had me excited has been put on hold... so to be completely honest? lol the only thing that's making me look forward to boarding that plane is reading the notebook. LOL. i keep cheating and doing these fast flips thru, and the lil glimpses of random things just makes me want to read the whole thing more. LOL.

anyway. the last couple of days in beijing have definitely have had its highlights. i'll come back to it when i have words to express =P. in the meantime. just... thank u. it was everything i could've asked for and oh so much more. =).

p.s. last post was not edited nor meant to be misleading. i was just angry and tired and stressed and needed to vent somewhere. and just didn't want it to be obvious in case one of my cousins somehow wandered over -_-". but yeahhh. mad respects to the one person who actually figured it out =)

conditioned.

wondering.
what percentage of our reactions are actually our reactions? actually what we feel and need at the result of some event, in some situation?
and what percentage of our reactions are a result of what society/tv/popular culture have conditioned us to think/feel we should act in certain situations?

additionally.
how much of how we behave is dependent on what other ppl expect us to do? if u know that everyone already thinks u and expects u to react // be someone.... do u follow their expectations?

must defy socially-conditioned reactions.
learn to feel genuine feelings and react natural reactions.
rise a b o v e.

学习心得。

发现在家的学习效率实在太低。
终于在6点钟把自己赶出家门。
发现光华教室上自习真是很管用，今天居然比Douglas top floor 还安静，虽然没有那么童话般的环境但是学习氛围还是有的，而且真得很暖和，我在家真得快要被冻死了。

今天学习的时候胡思乱想了一大堆。就统统倒在这里了。

• i appear to enjoy playing these random games with myself in which i'm bound to lose. (tho must note. today's result was so much better than expected. =D, which is good cuz i stood to get seriously burnt =))
• 曾经在什么地方看过说20多岁的女生真得不应该再看偶像剧了，但是真的很好看... lol. afterall, my Chinese was saved by it =P. 不过真的，这两年已经变得真得很现实了，很久很久没做过白马王子梦了。lol.
  
• 不想走。一点都不想走。北大还有那么多的好课我还没来得及去听...
• 我懂。我欠的，我还。我心甘情愿。只是有时候还是会觉得，惩罚可以不用那么苛刻嘛... 小时候的错，也不是有心的啊... 其实可以放了我了... 但，我也都认了。

今天读的是“行为的基础"和“激励理论"
想了很多，发现好像突然明白自己这两年的瓶颈"bottleneck"的原因了。
想了想还是用中文写吧，这样能够懂得人应该最少，我也趁机可以练练专用语。
突然发现，我个人认为马斯洛的需要层次理论是错误的。
因为若他是正确的话，那我连最基本的一步好像都还没有达到，而且每天都在防止自己达到第二步。lol. 若每个需要层次达到之后才可激励下一个目标... 那我岂不是还生活在原始野人时期？而且在短期之内无法进化到现代？我狂晕。
所以读了那么多理论发现最适合自己的还是目标设置论。
毕竟过去那么多年都是有目标来衡量自己的，一直很有效，好像生活有了意义。
这两年，自我效能感可能是真的降低了。可能是大一的时候真受收打击了。动机好像都没了... 发现好像自我效能感真得挺重要的。还有，承诺实现目标的要素之一是“目标公开性”，但我从来的习惯都是目标自己保密，这也许也是因素之一吧？
前两天看了一句话，说不是懒惰，而是因为目标不够吸引。
目标设置论强调的是目标要困难。但是我好像已经没有足够的自我效能感来提出我真正想要的目标了。小时候真的是年少轻狂，什么都敢想。现在那些目标好像已经遥不可及，说出来会被笑死的感觉。
所以我这两年没有目标了，因为再往上的目标好像就只有那一个了，而自己却好像不能接受那个目标，或者更不能接受为那个目标努力而失败的过程。
这里好像可以用上认知失调理论了，因为产生了失调，所以会有压力去努力降低失调回到稳定状态，所以
1) 开始减少对那个儿时的梦的期望，说服自己说其实都没有太大差别。
2) 开始让自己相信是因受其他因素控制而不能去为那个目标奋斗，比如家境，比如幸福。
3) 去看重失调当中的受益，比如，可以轻松走那条已经定在面前的路，比如安全, 稳定。
。。。 所以好像我找不到目标的原因是因为我一直不肯/不敢豁出去，勇敢的去追那个梦。
好多人都说我变了。没有以前那么有野心了，连我自己都觉得看不起自己，怎么变得居然胸无大志，连工作几年后就在家里当个全心全意的小女人，在家带孩子，做饭，打扫卫生，等他回家，的想法都开始冒出来了。我疯了我？
那如此说来，好像马斯洛的需要层次理论又好像是正确的。我无法设定目标因为我的目标与人生最基本的需求好像有严重的冲突。那... 曾经以为是选择题的“家还是事业”问题，我们是不是从来都没有过选择呢？
其实，为什么我不能就安安心心的作个胸无大志的普通女生呢？

... 所以说了那么多，最后我只是找出了原因... 但是还是没有解决根本的问题。

... 现在我对这几个理论好像有了很多的看法也很熟悉了，要写篇论文问题好像不大了，不过这仅仅是我16个章节中其中2节中很小很小的几个概念。这种复习方式，虽说有效果，但也太没效率了吧？
所以按期望理论来讲，此方式彻底失败，我以为想了那么久，应该可以想出结论，让自己重新找到目标和去追求的动力... 而结果是努力与绩效的联系性太小，所以此行为的结果可视为消极性的强化，重复率强烈降低。

... lol.
i'm SUCH a nerd.
而且是一个非常失败的nerd. LOL...

7 days.

O.O.
突然发现我还有最后七天在北京的时间。
I just realized that I only have 7 days left in Beijing.
This reminds me of how i realized Christmas was 2 days away.
except this is somewhat significantly more inconvenient. o.O.

Tip for exchange ppl: don't buy stuff. LOL.

庆幸.

still loving beijing.
will post soon abt more bj love. =)
the vague traces of faded memories
like clues to a puzzle, putting together a history,
somehow making sense of this cognitive dissonance.

其实我也把我自己给吓到了
clouded judgment.
从前可以一下子就看得那么清楚
selective memory/perception/hearing
其实就是自欺欺人嘛。
rude awakenings to realities are appreciated.
但其实也有点庆幸。
心会跳会加速就等于它存在是么？LOL!
pleasantly surprised =P

如人饮水，冷暖自知。
throwback.
很久没听到的老歌。取消资格。

想家了。

好像不是很喜欢停下来了的我。
生活好像变得黯淡无色。
曾经我是可以很开心得过这种有规律的平静生活的。
但是最近。。。不知道。
看着身边的人经历一些事情。不知道该怎么想。

今晚突然发现开始想家了。
我说北京是家。但毕竟。。。
我说过不许在自己最爱的城市里不开心。
所以每次emo就会离开。
其实所谓的想家，就是想扑到我的大床上的那种爽，安全和温暖。
想我们家的超大电视，大沙发，我的walk-in closet.
想陪爸爸妈妈看电视。想无忧无虑的瞎撒娇。
想一个人晚上开快车，跟着音乐一起狂吼。
眼看着大家都要回家了。我却要跑到一个那么恐怖和陌生的地方。
从视频里看着家里。。。好大好干净好温馨，多伦多今天也是个大晴天呀。。。
陪爸爸吃午饭... （可怜的爸爸的午餐被妈妈搬到电脑前了lol...）
嗯。所以。我想家了。

今天有人说我最近很安静。... 是么？
原来我也可以做安静的女生...不过原因之前好像也解释过了。
看来还是疯疯癫癫的傻丫头形象更适合我。
每次都是那么容易被男生们当成哥们儿。我算了吧我。
还是疯吧... =) 可以随便说话，反正都是疯话。=]
反正都是当为了衬托人家的配角小丑。who cares =P.
这两天就是累了。没事儿。过两天就恢复原相了 =)
为什么这第一个resolution就这么难实现？加油。

晚了。睡了。

housing panic.

so... it looks like I'm arriving in barcelona in 26 days.
O.O panic is starting to settle in. lol.
apparently. i have no distant family and no friends of friends of any kind. o.O
i don't speak the version of Spanish that they speak.
i arrive on a Sunday when everything is apparently going to be closed. o.O
and classes start within 24 hrs of my arrival.
what. was. i. thinking?

lol. how exciting -_-".
so finally started seriously househunting.
it's interesting how fast i have started to look for "english" button usually at the top right corner of the screen. LOL.
found a site that's similar to kijiji.... and was surprised at how i am actually capable of understanding half the ads. except. can't figure out how to reply in spanish yet. LOL.
ughhhhhhhhhhhh. too much stress.
i also feel sketched out by the idea of renting a place i've never seen online...
there were so many emails from ppl looking to share housing in Beijing for exchange, what is everyone else going to ESADE doing!??! o.O
better luck tmr? =)

2oo9.

so i have been asked by a dear friend to write up my projections and resolutions for 2oo9. this man is convinced that o9 is going to be a big yr. somehow. after the yr that was 2oo8. it seems hard to get excited abt o9. nothing big seems to be happening. it's not like we're gonna do olympics in my home city again. nor am i going to be in bj for much longer. we're not graduating yet. nothing... spectacular seems to be on the agenda. (sorry dear. this is a subjective view. i don't mean to put a damper on ur rare enthusiasm =p)

so here it is. what 2oo9 looks to me at the moment.

[o1] final month in bj. unfinished plans. mommie visit. back to cq. first chinese new yr in china in 12 yrs. return to bj for one day = elementary school reunion.
[o2] fly to barcelona (nts: must find housing). start class. madrid-barcelona-paris trip w/ cat, cari, and shelly (omg). 21 w/ the loved ones in PARIS.
[o3] ... and the plans die. budapest trip?. travel around europe
[o4] finish up classes. exams. more travelling w/ parents? =D
[o5] homecoming. or maybe a term at the castle? PGx3. (nts: need housing too)
[o6] pgx3. summer w/ cari in the tdot. =D. vy recommences?
[o7] vy. pgx3. utsgx2?. (.... summer 08 repeat).
[08] vy. pgx3. utsgx2?. summerlicious. end of summer gatherings.
[o9] beginning of the end? lol. back to kingston (argh. need housing again). empress?
[1o] school.
[11] school.......
[12] school................ xmas. new yrs. life goes on.

lol. maybe it's gd that i have such a ... plain outlook for 2oo9. so it can only get more exciting right? =D.

resolutions/goals for 2oo9.
1. live my name =]. happy everyday. sm:)e.
2. stay in touch w/ the loved ones. i mean it.
3. new goal. find it. plan it. achieve it.
4. take better care of self. stop living like it doesn't matter.
5. re-find motivation to go full speed forward.
6. continue living my rainbows. embrace it.
7. read. 100 books. start today.
8. start drawing again.
9. volleyball. just play.

this was SO hard.
exchange... has changed me. i don't know if i'd be diff once i get back to QC. w/ the competition. w/ the cutthroatness. w/ constant reminders and getting caught back in it all. but i'm happy now... and realize that i value this happiness.... just.. being surrounded by friends. chilling and enjoying each day... being happy. seeing/trying/feeling something new each day.... means more to me than w/e goals i had to keep me going the first 2 yrs of university. i've recently been re-reading tuesdays w/ morrie. and for the first time in 3 yrs. i'm feeling like i can accept his words, and find similiarities in what he says and how i'm living. it's the first time that i'm not rejecting his advice as "that's nice. but i can't do that right now. i need more." at the same time i suddenly realized. a lot of it is because i'm not at home. i don't see them. i'm not living the grocery trips and the dinner table conversations. i'm not constantly reminded of how i got here and why.

so i guess this is #10. and it overrides... everything. on this list. and as soon as i land in Toronto. it's all coming back.

10. ma raison d'être.
*thanks =P i knew. just lazy =P

nothing else matters.