i'm happy.
LOL. I'm happy. Really. I think Beijing suits me. I think I am a happier person here.
Do I still moan and complain and get irrationally irritable over stupid little things? Of course. I said I was happy, not unhuman =P.
So yes, there are still things I wish could be different - i.e. family, and ... future career, etc. lol.
I find that I'm a very ... irrational person. Everyone wants security, and I'm sure I want security. But as soon as security is given to me I feel cornered and trapped and the first instinct is to run, as fast as I can, as far as I can. This is why I fail at relationships, haha. This is why 3 summers at the same place in a sense, frightens me beyond belief.
I'm sorry I sidetrack. =P. So yes, despite little things, I'm happy. I still talk to my mom like... twice a day everyday. Ironic how it is more than I would talk to her back in Toronto, living at home or at my own place. =P.
I had a point to this post.
I'm... happy. genuinely happy.the sun shines gloriously in China, and even the rainy days aren't as gloomy.
Roasted sweet potato stands are starting to pepper the streets of Beijing, and the sky is getting dark by 6 or 7pm. Somehow this all reminds me of when I was little and mom would bike me home. Somehow this all seems like where I am supposed to be. the life I'm supposed to live.
and every little thing about this place, makes me genuinely happy.
sidenote: added Sept29th 9:30am
because it shouldn't be a post on its own, i'm tagging it on.
... and i can't DO this okay? i can't do this.
I think it's when I was w/ ppl before and i used to msg u.
i realize now how horrible that must've been.
i ... lack ur courtesy and patience.
i physically cannot do this. as much as i should be able to.
it tears me apart somehow. and i pretend like i don't see and i don't know.
as selfish and possessive as i know this all sounds...
i can go on and live my life and it'd all be fine.
but we .... are not friends. we... nvr could be friends.
maybe one day. way down in the future.
but right now. i can't do this.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
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3 comments:
I'm learning independence. It's not fun, but it's kind of just growing pains. You're already independent on so many levels! Some relationships/friendships are suppose to end that way, while they're good memories. =]
BTW homecoming this year was a mess. too many highschool friends = 9 people to an apartment. Next year will be even BETTER!
i envy your happiness but at the same time it makes me smile like crazy to think that tina has found genuine joy. well deserved, that's for sure... and waaaay past due xD
don't worry about the add-ons.
like you said in the beginning of the post, only human... right.?
<3 don't stress.! enjoy your vacation =)
"Somehow this all seems like where I am supposed to be. the life I'm supposed to live."
That's like the opposite of what I feel here. I should be there!
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