jumboed thoughts. shades of the rainbow =P.

I appear to be having trouble formulating proper English sentences and paragraphs lately. so... to save most people from attempting to understand Chinese, this random clusters of thoughts will have to do for now. (edit: can skip right to #7. new revelation =D)

1. it's good to be home.
complete with my overflowing room, the temperamental hot water, the pretend-to-be-heating heating, the five flights of stairs, etc etc.... it's good to be back. =).
home is cozy and housemates are sweet. (and one of them just made me dessert =D)

2. kingston transposed to beijing.
does that even make sense? so happy that will is here. was so excited all the way to the airport today and then seeing him standing in the middle of nowhere was just. lmao. happy =D. in a way tho. it feels as if the past 4 months didn't actually happen, or like... nothing has changed. picked up right where we left off. for me anyway. it's nice =D. looking forward to an amazing next 6 days =P.

3. it's weird how often i forget / allow myself to not believe that i matter. lmao. so lil surprises here and there that remind me r... simply amazing. somehow i am able to believe that after 2.5 yrs of being together almost everyday that if i were to disappear he wouldn't notice. and am still surprised when he calls and reluctantly admits that he almost misses me. lol. and in previous post when i mentioned that there's barely anyone around for xmas.... somehow i neglected to realize that all the most important ppl in my life at this pt are actually all still here o.O. seriously tho? i have the best friends in the world and whether it's a txt, an email, a wall post, a skype conversation.... really makes all the difference in the world.
yet somehow... even with all this. sometimes i still forget i have friends o.O. wtf o.O.?

4. i said last time that maybe i am living my life in search of diff feelings and experiences.
i realize today that there's more. no idea what.
still chasing. still searching. still blindly grasping on to anything that feels real.
wow that last part came out by itself.
so.... is that what i'm searching for? something real? o.O. ... if so.. then what does that make everything i'm living thru now?

5. beijing stars r so pretty. seriously. hoping for a blue day tmr. past week-ish have been not so blue and beijing was having a couple of its gray days in preparation for the first snow fall today. (btw. SNOW today =D. tho it failed to accumulate to any thing... but it snowwed!!!! =D.).... weather is seriously affecting me. needing a pretty and blue day to get me out of this temporary drop. or maybe it's the lack of clubbing. totally should've ditched that mtg last night and gone salsa. gosh. k. starting tmr night. every single night. =D i look forward to this.

6. maybe i'm just lacking sleep. =P. gd night =)

7. edit.
"control ur emotions". u've been telling me this all day. and all day i've been like. i don't want to. so suddenly. thinking. i don't believe in this. i don't want to live life in ur blacks and whites and grays. i want to live in my rainbow spectrum of everything in between. i think that if someone lives life trying to protect themselves from getting hurt. life then loses meaning and fade. life wasn't meant to be simple. maybe that's y i've been feeling the way i've been feeling. so suddenly. it's okay =D. this is how life was supposed to be. if i was seriously that happy everyday in beijing i'd question my sanity. lol. so yes. new revelation. no. i will not control my emotions. i think this is y we're different. like i said last post. maybe i collect different kinds of feelings and emotions for a living. so yes. suddenly it's okay. i WILL go out there and be fine with making a fool out of myself if i'm happy. just like how u guys were all so against my "winter gear" today. LOL. i had so much fun. laughing at the ppl that were laughing at me. that's fine. so yes. past lil while i've been trying to do some kind of damage ctrl. some kind of protectionist measures to make sure that all these nothings and all these distractions remain just that and even the new friendships that have been established here i don't become dependent on... soo.... maybe another reason to pull myself away from beijing and other things may have been to make sure that i don't get attached and then be hurt again when the separation comes very soon.

i suddenly realize that it's these protectionist measures that have made me somewhat strange lately o.O. so yes. w/e.
i want to live my life in rainbows =D.
so i'll take the downs with the highs. =D. i'm fine with crashing and falling. who cares.
it's a small price to pay for the happy/funny/random/weird/outrageous moments that make life worth living.
so whatever.

starting now. no fear. no regret. living purely for the moment. whatever makes me happy. at this pt in time. that's all it matters. =D

(... i started out like this. o.O. what happened that made me stop? o.O. lol. can't rmb and don't care enough to figure out. pt is. thanks for the reminder =D)