Emo Post #1: Family.

this... has been long time coming.
it is partially the reason why my posting has significantly decreased.
travel blogs should probably only about the sights and the places and the people that I see and come in touch with... but thinking back, this IS called "finding tina". and this is a huge part of it.

Since the 27th, I've been in Chongqing, in midsouthern China, a city built in the mountains, the newest of China's 4 municipalities under direct central gov't control.
It is also the home of my mom's family, where she lived for the first 20-ish years of her life.
It's weird. this side of the family, I'm the youngest and the only girl and lived in Beijing when I was little, and also the most.... "studious" and... "obedient", so quite contrary to how it is in Beijing, here I'm the favourite.

Coming back here... waves of random memories come back. from the previous times I came here on my visits back to China... and the direct contrast takes my breathe away.
in this city, there is no way that I am 20. just... no way. back here, I become 12 years old, if not less.
.... this is why I haven't posted. I don't know where to start, I don't know how to describe it all, and I don't think that I can. every time I start, I end up giving up. this must've been my 6th or 7th attempt....

I guess all I can say right now... is... with my grandpa turning 85 in 3 months after 3 strokes in the last few years... my number one priority is spending time with grandpa... and also.. my biggest challenge.. The passage of time is most apparent in young children and seniors I guess. It's almost incomprehensible how much grandpa seem to have aged in the past 2 years. It's probably not as noticeable for the people that live with him, but for me to come back expecting him to be how he was 2 years ago or even better, and seeing what I'm seeing... it simply... breaks me in a lot of ways. I learnt the Chongqing dialect overseas so that grandpa would understand me.... but now that I can actually speak it.... it seems useless because I can no longer understand him, nor can most people in the family, except for the housekeeper -_-". I was prepared for a lot, but really wasn't for the state of... everything on this side of the family. Everything just... seems so broken despite the grandeur facade. this... used to be the best of the family. this used to be the dream house that was... everything. Now, it is ... exhausting to just... exist here.... I'm... sorry to say that. I really am. I just... .. exhausted... i want to go back to beijing sooner... but it almost feel as tho i'm giving up on this family. and ... i'm def not. it's just hard. i keep running out of the room at the most inappropriate moments because I can't stop my mind from thinking and I can't stop the liquid substances that keep threatening to overflow for no reason at all. everyone else seems so used to it all. but... 2 years has changed EVERYTHING. and it's ... just not easy.

edit:
I had a point to this post ... value family when you have it.