in any relationship. and almost any situation....
expectations ruin everything.
with expectations, disappointments surprise us.
expect to be disappointed, surprises can be pleasant.
i know this. for a fact.
i just keep forgetting.
and the disappointments just end up hurting more.
lol.
at least these days. i've learned to dissect and analyze.
this was nice.
for the short period that it did last. i was pleasantly surprised. =).
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
好好恋爱。
such an old song is suddenly stuck in my head.
i hate irrationality. i hate how i let emotions override any rationality that i am able to muster together. -___-"
fail tina fail. this is not the time. not the right subject, and not appropriate emotions.
get ur act together. don't mess up what u've got. pls be rational.
get thru the next 26 days and i'll say u've survived thru undergrad mostly unscathed =D.
c'mon tina. u can do this.
i hate irrationality. i hate how i let emotions override any rationality that i am able to muster together. -___-"
fail tina fail. this is not the time. not the right subject, and not appropriate emotions.
get ur act together. don't mess up what u've got. pls be rational.
get thru the next 26 days and i'll say u've survived thru undergrad mostly unscathed =D.
c'mon tina. u can do this.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
another end.
the other day he asked me . "so how do u end these things?".
i thought about it and said. "well... usually i move/leave town/disappear.".
.... it usually works.
but once in a while. things like this come back to burn and break me apart a lil bit more.
every now and then. someone tells me "i'm done caring". or "i'm not chasing u anymore".
and i tell them i'm sorry. and know that i deserve all the karma in the world for all the shiet i've done.
and i smile a lil. for them. because they've finally learned to protect themselves from someone like me.
and i smile a lil. for me. because i'm that much more of a heartless bitch.
and i wait. for karma to come and get me.
again.
i'm not a good girl. i never said i was.
i told you. to not fall for me. cuz i'll disappoint. and i'll let u down.
when u met me. i'm pretty sure i had the word "slut" across my arm.
no offense. but why the hell would u fall for someone like that.
at the same time.
i meant every word.. i enjoyed every moment.
thank u. sincerely.
for always being there for me.
omg. it's been 7 years.
... i'm glad i can now add u to the list of guys who've learned to protect themselves from me.
let it flow.
*smile.
i thought about it and said. "well... usually i move/leave town/disappear.".
.... it usually works.
but once in a while. things like this come back to burn and break me apart a lil bit more.
every now and then. someone tells me "i'm done caring". or "i'm not chasing u anymore".
and i tell them i'm sorry. and know that i deserve all the karma in the world for all the shiet i've done.
and i smile a lil. for them. because they've finally learned to protect themselves from someone like me.
and i smile a lil. for me. because i'm that much more of a heartless bitch.
and i wait. for karma to come and get me.
again.
i'm not a good girl. i never said i was.
i told you. to not fall for me. cuz i'll disappoint. and i'll let u down.
when u met me. i'm pretty sure i had the word "slut" across my arm.
no offense. but why the hell would u fall for someone like that.
at the same time.
i meant every word.. i enjoyed every moment.
thank u. sincerely.
for always being there for me.
omg. it's been 7 years.
... i'm glad i can now add u to the list of guys who've learned to protect themselves from me.
let it flow.
*smile.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
eliz. rmb grad from kelsey? nonstop tears because andrew wasn't going to come to campbell w/ me. becuz sasheen was going to mac and u were going to aci...
shelly. rmb our xanga posts on the last day of summer before university?
i'll never forget that afternoon. when we drove home in the rain from shoppers. and i said something along the lines of. i wish this drive could last forever. and then burst into unstoppable tears. and the entire car just... lmao... jackey's wtf-reaction and vee's o.O attempts to comfort. LOL. i think there was that last day of tears when everytime the girls hugged there was more tears. and then writing and reading. haha... a couple of crazy emo days... and the guys coming over to help/watch me pack and staying as long with me as they could until i had to drive to kingston. lol... kevin. for that. and all the other times that u'd come over somehow and spend time with me before i had to leave toronto ... beijing in grade 9... vancouver in grade 11... china in grade 12... kingston for uni... always a spot in my heart. lol. i rmb my bewilderedness when u couldn't come to the gathering before i flew to beijing. i think i said... but ... but... i've nvr left toronto (for long term) w/o him to see me off.... i don't know if i can do this w/o him... lol.
can't believe it's that time of our lives again. i was this emo over high school friend who i still keep super close in touch with and actually live in the same area code as...
... i rmb quoting anne of green gables - that what's to come might be better... but i still don't want it to come, because it won't be the same.
humans are creatures of habit. and i'm just... a bundle of emotions and a lot of ... strings attached.
i'm loving this last month of university... and we're having as much fun as possible... i spend so many hours throwing my plans away and chilling w/ ppl because i realize i won't have this again soon. so i prioritize spending time with friends over almost all else. esp time w/ him.
i am grateful. university has been pretty awesome to me. actually. more than. it's been amazing to meet ppl like the ppl i have. but in a lot of ways. it's like dangling candy in front of a 4 year old. and refusing to ever let them get it. and every time they start to walk away and give up, u dangle the candy a lil closer. ... i believe everything happens for a reason. and i'm sure in 5, 10, 20 years, i can look back and it'd all make sense. ... but right now it's ... very hard.
... and contrary to jmraz's "lucky". it is not lucky.
and tho he doesn't realize it. i do.
i realize i'm losing my best friend in a month.
and that slowly makes new cracks in my non-existant heart.
every hour of every day.
shelly. rmb our xanga posts on the last day of summer before university?
i'll never forget that afternoon. when we drove home in the rain from shoppers. and i said something along the lines of. i wish this drive could last forever. and then burst into unstoppable tears. and the entire car just... lmao... jackey's wtf-reaction and vee's o.O attempts to comfort. LOL. i think there was that last day of tears when everytime the girls hugged there was more tears. and then writing and reading. haha... a couple of crazy emo days... and the guys coming over to help/watch me pack and staying as long with me as they could until i had to drive to kingston. lol... kevin. for that. and all the other times that u'd come over somehow and spend time with me before i had to leave toronto ... beijing in grade 9... vancouver in grade 11... china in grade 12... kingston for uni... always a spot in my heart. lol. i rmb my bewilderedness when u couldn't come to the gathering before i flew to beijing. i think i said... but ... but... i've nvr left toronto (for long term) w/o him to see me off.... i don't know if i can do this w/o him... lol.
can't believe it's that time of our lives again. i was this emo over high school friend who i still keep super close in touch with and actually live in the same area code as...
... i rmb quoting anne of green gables - that what's to come might be better... but i still don't want it to come, because it won't be the same.
humans are creatures of habit. and i'm just... a bundle of emotions and a lot of ... strings attached.
i'm loving this last month of university... and we're having as much fun as possible... i spend so many hours throwing my plans away and chilling w/ ppl because i realize i won't have this again soon. so i prioritize spending time with friends over almost all else. esp time w/ him.
i am grateful. university has been pretty awesome to me. actually. more than. it's been amazing to meet ppl like the ppl i have. but in a lot of ways. it's like dangling candy in front of a 4 year old. and refusing to ever let them get it. and every time they start to walk away and give up, u dangle the candy a lil closer. ... i believe everything happens for a reason. and i'm sure in 5, 10, 20 years, i can look back and it'd all make sense. ... but right now it's ... very hard.
... and contrary to jmraz's "lucky". it is not lucky.
and tho he doesn't realize it. i do.
i realize i'm losing my best friend in a month.
and that slowly makes new cracks in my non-existant heart.
every hour of every day.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
why not.
i feel like i have just set myself up for a lot of rejections and awkward conversations. LOL.
but i'm looking forward to each one. in a funny way =P.
life is easy when there r certain things u just don't care about.
there's so little to lose =). so i don't care. LOL.
i like these... segments in life.
it gives ppl excuses. excuses to meet up. excuses to do crazy things. excuses to try things they wouldn't otherwise. excuses to say. eff it all. who cares. and take a risk =).
but i'm looking forward to each one. in a funny way =P.
life is easy when there r certain things u just don't care about.
there's so little to lose =). so i don't care. LOL.
i like these... segments in life.
it gives ppl excuses. excuses to meet up. excuses to do crazy things. excuses to try things they wouldn't otherwise. excuses to say. eff it all. who cares. and take a risk =).
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
heal.
i think... i might spend more time on courses i audit than courses i actually take. LOL.
however. it's really interesting material. and ... surprising in many ways i did not expect.
last week's readings included something on the concept of a "traumatic bonding", explaining the phenomenon of someone from a physical/emotionally abusive relationship may actually feel far worse after actually leaving the abusive relationship.
such relationships are characterized by "intermittent reinforcement" - alternating intervals of reward (lovingness and warmth) and punishment (psychological or physical abuse). these fluctuations actually create emotional attachments that are far stronger than relationships that are more stable and steady. This mode of inconsistent, unpredictable relationship creates a "glue-like" connection between the oppressor and oppressed, always apprehensive partner. This explains why as damaging and painful as these relationships are, they are extremely hard to sever. because these individuals can recall an earlier time when the relationship was safe and secure, and everythign was good at one point, and continue to be good from time to time. though this pattern, the bictimized person becomes used to just hanging on, waiting for the rewarding part to re-emerge, and they get used to trying to get the relationship back to the way it was in the beginning, and her life always "on hold". and even after she leaves the partner, she finds it hard to extricate herself from the relationship in a clear-cut, definitive fashion. and especially because she's developed the habit of trying to retrieve the yearned-for gratifying parts of the relationship, she become sued to a "intermittent reinforcement schedule" that keeps her hoping, that she can eventually get it right. and she can fix it. she can fix herself, and stop making her partner unhappy. over time. the victim become less and less sure about who she is as a person, and bewildered by the periodic glimpses of the good parts of the relationship, the way they once were.. anyway. yes. so according to the article. that's the traumatic bonding thing.
... i think i'm a logical person in a lot of way.
all i ever really need is an explanation. a reason that i can understand.
ever since i've read this article. it's ... made a lot of since. i've been coming to terms, albeit reluctantly, with a number of things within the past lil while. and ... direct or indirect impact and interpretations. this has helped.
unlikely to be something i'd admit. but a lot of things finally make sense. and i am okay.
i like to think everything happens for a reason. lol. if this was the reason i was to be so adamant on taking cooper's class. then i think it was really worth it.
i'm not angry. i'm not upset. i don't... hate ... or even assign fault.
i highly doubt ppl are aware of their own actions sometimes. and we were all just growing up.
funny. it took a switch of high schools. a move out of town for university to end something that happened in grade eight. and it's the end of university. and i've finally come to terms with something as ancient as this. funny how it's because of class material from a course i don't even take in the last semester of the last year of university. LOL. university has been good to me. it's allowed me to... get past a lot of things and sometimes believe that i can be like them. that some of the other stuff never happened to me. or they did. it didn't impact me. haha.
i once promised i'd always love you. i think... i no longer do. not in the way that i used to. but it'll take some time for me to get to the pt where i can love u again as a friend. but i'm ... okay.
pls understand. not that u care.. but... lol. i like pretending like we're still friends. and u still care a lil. =)
however. it's really interesting material. and ... surprising in many ways i did not expect.
last week's readings included something on the concept of a "traumatic bonding", explaining the phenomenon of someone from a physical/emotionally abusive relationship may actually feel far worse after actually leaving the abusive relationship.
such relationships are characterized by "intermittent reinforcement" - alternating intervals of reward (lovingness and warmth) and punishment (psychological or physical abuse). these fluctuations actually create emotional attachments that are far stronger than relationships that are more stable and steady. This mode of inconsistent, unpredictable relationship creates a "glue-like" connection between the oppressor and oppressed, always apprehensive partner. This explains why as damaging and painful as these relationships are, they are extremely hard to sever. because these individuals can recall an earlier time when the relationship was safe and secure, and everythign was good at one point, and continue to be good from time to time. though this pattern, the bictimized person becomes used to just hanging on, waiting for the rewarding part to re-emerge, and they get used to trying to get the relationship back to the way it was in the beginning, and her life always "on hold". and even after she leaves the partner, she finds it hard to extricate herself from the relationship in a clear-cut, definitive fashion. and especially because she's developed the habit of trying to retrieve the yearned-for gratifying parts of the relationship, she become sued to a "intermittent reinforcement schedule" that keeps her hoping, that she can eventually get it right. and she can fix it. she can fix herself, and stop making her partner unhappy. over time. the victim become less and less sure about who she is as a person, and bewildered by the periodic glimpses of the good parts of the relationship, the way they once were.. anyway. yes. so according to the article. that's the traumatic bonding thing.
... i think i'm a logical person in a lot of way.
all i ever really need is an explanation. a reason that i can understand.
ever since i've read this article. it's ... made a lot of since. i've been coming to terms, albeit reluctantly, with a number of things within the past lil while. and ... direct or indirect impact and interpretations. this has helped.
unlikely to be something i'd admit. but a lot of things finally make sense. and i am okay.
i like to think everything happens for a reason. lol. if this was the reason i was to be so adamant on taking cooper's class. then i think it was really worth it.
i'm not angry. i'm not upset. i don't... hate ... or even assign fault.
i highly doubt ppl are aware of their own actions sometimes. and we were all just growing up.
funny. it took a switch of high schools. a move out of town for university to end something that happened in grade eight. and it's the end of university. and i've finally come to terms with something as ancient as this. funny how it's because of class material from a course i don't even take in the last semester of the last year of university. LOL. university has been good to me. it's allowed me to... get past a lot of things and sometimes believe that i can be like them. that some of the other stuff never happened to me. or they did. it didn't impact me. haha.
i once promised i'd always love you. i think... i no longer do. not in the way that i used to. but it'll take some time for me to get to the pt where i can love u again as a friend. but i'm ... okay.
pls understand. not that u care.. but... lol. i like pretending like we're still friends. and u still care a lil. =)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
odds.
saw this on deviantart today.
it's funny what they say.
"if you're one in a million, there'd still be ## of you in the world.”
(this picture is outdated. i just looked it up. the world population is estimated to be 6.8B in 2009. up from 6.68B in 2008.
given that. lol.
there r days where everything is just... so right between us.
and i know that i love u. and we're meant to be.
today was one of those days.
and i can't help but wonder.
what if u're my 1 in 7 billion?
Friday, March 5, 2010
(in)dependence.
when i was lil. i hated moving.
but as i grew older. i realized that moving was a good thing.
i see the ability to up and leave and move on as a strength.
yeah. there r days where i think. damn. i don't have anyone that i grew up with. that really really matters and knows me like that.
but i think. most of the time. it's a great thing.
there are always trade-offs in life.
the more u care about ppl. the more being w/ ppl makes u happy.
the more ur happiness is dependent on other ppl.
the more power u give them to let you down. to hurt you.
somehow i keep letting myself forget that too often.
we all make our own decisions.
we are all selfish in our own ways.
u can't blame other ppl when it is u that decided tied ur own happiness to them.
u also can't expect everyone to have the same values and priorities.
they're other people.
i used to tell myself to never get attached.
i also used to warn ppl to not count on me.
cuz i'd promise to disappoint.
haha.... i was so happy for x.xxxx when i realized he had finally learned to protect himself from me. haha...
but i'd forgotten because i thought i had grown up.
that i was past that stage.
that i can now be strong enough to handle it either way.
maybe we never actually learn
oooh. reminds me. grey's quote that i used to really like. (man..i really need to get a memory)...
don't get attached.
but as i grew older. i realized that moving was a good thing.
i see the ability to up and leave and move on as a strength.
yeah. there r days where i think. damn. i don't have anyone that i grew up with. that really really matters and knows me like that.
but i think. most of the time. it's a great thing.
there are always trade-offs in life.
the more u care about ppl. the more being w/ ppl makes u happy.
the more ur happiness is dependent on other ppl.
the more power u give them to let you down. to hurt you.
somehow i keep letting myself forget that too often.
we all make our own decisions.
we are all selfish in our own ways.
u can't blame other ppl when it is u that decided tied ur own happiness to them.
u also can't expect everyone to have the same values and priorities.
they're other people.
i used to tell myself to never get attached.
i also used to warn ppl to not count on me.
cuz i'd promise to disappoint.
haha.... i was so happy for x.xxxx when i realized he had finally learned to protect himself from me. haha...
but i'd forgotten because i thought i had grown up.
that i was past that stage.
that i can now be strong enough to handle it either way.
maybe we never actually learn
oooh. reminds me. grey's quote that i used to really like. (man..i really need to get a memory)...
At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.
don't get attached.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
my 365 + some more.
http://831smiles.blogspot.com
credits to stealing idea from c.zhu.
831 to me, stood for 幸福 in a lot of ways.
but it was associated to too many specifics.
and 831 has become too deeply ingrained in my life.
and too frequent of a number to pop up.
time, dates, license plates, street numbers, phone numbers, etc etc.
i need to normalize these 3 numbers.
i need them to now stand for something else.
with each post. 831 has a new meaning.
backed up by a real picture and new memories.
it's time to move on.
by the time 831 finishes, i'll be 24+. LOL.
let's see where we're at then.
Monday, March 1, 2010
ops.
i like ops.
i like sitting in class and learning.
i like concrete things > fluff.
i learned how to do a precedence diagram today.
i like how his teaching is so methodological.
returning from reading week. this feels like the actual beginning of the end.
let's enjoy every moment of these last few weeks.
i know u guys don't agree.
but i wish this could last forever.
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