几句话。

就算 ，眼前的这个男人 ， 千般好 ，万般好 ， 处处是优点 ， 他不爱你 ， 这个缺点 ，你永远改变不了 。

一个人最大的缺点 ， 不是自私 ， 野蛮 ，任性 ， 而是偏执的爱着一个不爱自己的人 。

能开口说出的委屈 ， 便不是委屈 。 能离开的人 ， 便不算是爱人 。

心里能装着一些时间带不走的淡淡悲伤 ， 也是一种幸福 。

一个人 ，如果没空 ，那是因为他不想有空 ， 一个人 ，如果走不开 ，那是因为不想走开 ， 一个人 ，对你借口太多 ，那是因为不想在乎 。

有的事情 ，没法说明 。 你觉得值 ，就值 ， 你觉得不值 ，别人说值 ，你也觉得不值 。

不要妄想试图改变谁 ， 因为谁也改变不了谁 ， 只有 ，他愿不愿意为你改变 。

女孩子要自爱 ， 不管你遇到多大的打击 ，不管你遇到的情况多么悲凉 ， 借故堕落 ，也是堕落 ， 越是不爱自己 ，越是没人爱你。

再轰轰烈烈的爱侣 ， 也比不上 平平淡淡的 父母 。

勇敢的女人 ，永远比懦弱的女人 美丽。 如果 ，你的爱人不爱你， 我劝你还是勇敢点分离 ， 好过 ，懦弱的纠缠。

最近常常不敢想。每天都活在当天之中，反而会被倒计时的数字突然吓到。

四年这个周期，对我来讲，已经太长了。在此之前都是两年一个周期。

习惯性的清理所有关系，到新的地方，从新开始。

四年太长了。会让人忘记，其实这也只是一个暂时的状态而已。

最后几天了。最后一百个小时了。

很多人认为这不是一个结尾。但在我的生命里。 这就是一个结尾。对于大家一起回多伦多，同一个小区里，继续生活的，是，这不是结尾。但对我来讲。真的。到此为止了。

昨天有人说真的不会再见到一个人了。我想这是真的。

无论现在大家都许诺什么。有的时候真的缘分已尽。

7年前要是有人告诉我说这会是我们最后一次吵架，从此各不相关，我打死都不会信的。

那怕两年前，有人告诉我，我们分手后会从此擦肩而过，几年都不会再见一面。我肯定不信。毕竟大家还在一个城市里，朋友圈也还是一样的。通常冤家路窄，不想见反而天天见。但现实说明，相见真的比想象中还要困难n百倍。

所以我不会瞎做什么梦。 我不会自欺欺人。不会想当然。

有一天就是一天了。我们都不知道未来会变成什么样子。

真的是最后了。

常常会有幻觉。有冲动。突然想把什么都说出来。有感觉就是有感觉。爱过在乎过就真的爱过在乎过。为什么要躲躲藏藏的。

小时候的我可能真的会说出来。是好是坏。 是开始还是结束。都不管。什么友谊什么关系什么尴尬什么面子。去他的。一定要撕破脸皮把所有东西暴露出来才爽。

可是我长大了。懂得了要照顾大局。懂得了要小心翼翼的处事。

心动过，在乎过，伤心过，快乐过，自己知道就好了。 

只是。真的。 最后几天了。从此生活里没有了你们。
没有了这几年中所在乎的每一个人。

会想念 会孤独 会怀念 会回想 会笑 会祝福。

可是也会习惯。

因为我们都会找到新的生活。 新的朋友。 新的世界。

而这个新的世界里。我们找不到对方的影子。

终于可以心平气和的面对你.
可以真的像朋友一样,
只是不是很熟而已.
终于长大了 =)

must focus focus focus.
power through power through power through.
can't be dwelling on these random mess of emotions right now.

but stupid me. just procrastinated and looked thru old 831 pictures.
and managed to well up in the middle of queen's center -________-"
don't have time for thissssssss!

this is not the end. this is not a sad ending.
but somehow. i still can't seem to deal with the thought of saying goodbye to all of this in just a few more days.
i know it's not the end.
but why does it feel like it is.

the act of missing.

just thought about it.
ppl are habitual animals. and we miss things and people that we're used to having.
but at the same time. one can't miss something that they never had.
also. new habits are always in the process of being formed.
so if i get used to missing you. then i guess i don't actually really miss u anymore do i?
at first, the "i miss u"s at the end of emails are genuine professions of wishing you in my life. but over time, as we become used to life without you, they just become another habit, another thing that's just tagged on at the end of an email out of habit or social convention.
how can one miss something they never had?

pre-grad.

starting a list of all the different things we need to still do before convocation.
pls email/comment to add to the list =).
let's make these last few weeks epic！

[x] princess street shopping. - 0309
[x] lunch at Copper Penny (c.yang) - 0310
[x] brunch at Pan Chanco (m.zhou) - 0311
[o] bread/(cake) from pan chancho. - 0311
[x] the brass (j.liu, c.zhu, t.ng) - 0312
[x] grizzly grill (QSC, j.liu) - 0313
[x] brunch @ olivea (t.ng+, j.li+, j.liu) - 0313
[x] mango (j.liu) - 0314

[x] be spontaneous - izumo (jp) - 0315
[x] beavertail for charity (c.zhu) - 0316
[x] poutine truck at queen's! (c.zhu) - 0316
[x] second cup study session (c.zhu) - 0317
[x] curry original - yum yum yum =D (c.zhu) - 0317
[x] tea store session (c.zhu, j.liu, m.zhou) - 0317
[x] windmills dinner - liked Kumala Chardonnay (c.zhu, j.liu, m.zhou) - 0317
[x] princess street shopping x2. (c.zhu) - 0317
[x] venture on to the roof again (me + dslr) - 0318
[x] brew pub one more time (c.zhu, j.liu, w.fang, b.warshafsky) - 0319
[x] commerce formal (c.zhu, c.yang + 270 other ppl. lol) - 0320
[x] get sick of cogro's stacked on sour dough - 0321
[x] potluck like it's christmas =D (c.zhu, w.fang, j.liu, m.yin, t.ng) - 0321
[x] get something thrown into my bdrm (m.zhou) - 0321
[x] pg coworker at stauff - 0322
[x] listen to cari sing publicly again (squ4re, t.ng) - 0323
[x] wolfe island bakery @ farmer's market - chocolate pretzel - 0324
[x] barcelona reunion (t.lui, s.whittamore, p.hamer-meunier) - 0325
[x] gam ja tang from Arisu (j.liu) - 0326
[x] take parents to fort henry - 0327
[x] wolfe island bakery breakfast (t.ng) - 0327
[x] qihl semi-finals! (t.ng, w.fang, j.liu, b.warshafsky) - 0327
[x] see something at grand theatre (m.zhou) - 0327
[x] go to a kegger (t.ng, c.xu, j.liu) - 0327/8
[x] poutine from bubba's. (t.ng, c.xu, j.liu) - 0328
[x] try the sleepless goat (j.liu) - 0328
[x] first QCP cover photo shoot (j.cheng, d.wen) - 0329
[x] last of QBC filming (QBCers) - 0330
[x] April fool'ed - Ban Righ & Stauff (j.cheng) - 0401
[x] last all nighter of undergrad - 0401
[x] NYC + reunion / grad trip (c.zhu, j.liu, h.ma, s.goh, n.kwan) - 0402-04
[x] QP w/ Prof Cooper + 0405
[x] last slide test ever - 0406
[x] tequila shots at QP the night before an 8:30 presentation (ops team) - 0406
[x] arisu delivery (m.zhou) - 0407
[x] WOODENheads! first pizza =) (PGers) - 0408
[x] bowling in kingstons (R&B, squ4re +) - 0408
[x] most politically incorrect flipcup tournament ever - 0408
[x] last 161 party - 0409
[x] Atomica w/ Cindy + - 0410
[x] summer roll party (squ4re) - 0411
[x] day 1 of st4uff-4 studdying (squ4re) - 0412

[ ] wolfe island - first sat/sun over 16 degrees.

[ ] tir nan og.
[ ] fancy dinner // grad dinner?
[ ] brunch at windmills
[ ] grad club.
[ ] watch a sunrise/set on top of the fort henry hill
[ ] leonard hall cafeteria!
[ ] lazy scholar cheesecake
[ ] chez noir poutine
[o] reunions.
[ ] very very wasted night



... more?

edit 0308 - this gets scarier everyday.
edit 0317 - this is more fun every day =D
edit 0329 - counts: j.liu (14) c.zhu (12), t.ng (7), m.zhou (5)

小鸟和树。

以前很喜欢看“求婚事务所”。
里面有一个小鸟和树的故事。一直让我很感动。
今天突然想起来。
————————

很久很久以前，有一只小鸟飞入了一片大森林。

在森林里，它很努力的寻找着它的伙伴们。

可是有一棵树发现了它，对它说：你休息休息吧，在我的树枝里，你可以建巢，我会保护你，照顾你，我们可以永远在一起。

小鸟挣扎了一阵子，但是最终决定留在树身边。

毕竟，树很强壮，在森林里，它也很出色，比其它的树都直，壮，和茂盛。

于是小鸟和树一起生活在森林里。

时间一年一年的过去了。小鸟和树成为了最好的朋友。

白天，他们一起玩耍，随着风吹，和其他的树和森林里其他的动物们一起嬉笑。

晚上，小鸟休息在树的怀抱里，他们总有说不完的悄悄话。

森林里也飞过很多其他的小鸟。

他们总是劝小鸟和他们一起，离开森林，离开树。飞往本来属于小鸟的天空。

可小鸟从不把他们看在眼里。树也一直承诺会保护小鸟，不和他分开。

有些鸟会在森林里逗留一阵，可是看到小鸟的坚持，最终还是放弃了。

小鸟和树还是很幸福的生活在一起。

可是有一天，树告诉小鸟。

树和小鸟是永远不可能在一起的。因为他们是属于不同世界的人。

树永远只能和其他的树在一起。

而小鸟，应该去寻找其他的小鸟，
寻找属于它自己的幸福，树不能给它的幸福。

小鸟愣了，那么多年，它一直相信它们可以永远在一起。

这时候，森林里已经没有其它的鸟停留下来等小鸟了。

它们都已经成双成对结伴双飞。 

小鸟只能看着他们从空中飞过这篇森林。

小鸟还是留在树的身边，和它抱怨说森林里没有合适的鸟。

他们还是和以前一样。无话不谈，一起快乐的度过每一天。
森林里其他的动物们看在眼里，痛在心里。
他们想劝小鸟离开树，但不忍心揭穿它。
因为它们知道，小鸟还是在树的保护下，时不时的告诉自己

其实自己很幸福。因为有树。

可是有一天，树会找到合适它的另外一颗树，

而树林里，也就没有小鸟的地方了。

你们可能会问，小鸟为什么不飞呢？

其实，小鸟已经不会飞了。

和树生活那么多年，小鸟的翅膀已经僵硬，不能远行。

而它也习惯依赖在树的身边， 不知道怎么保护自己了。

.....

... i know u don't believe it.
but it physically hurts me to see how much this is impacting u.
i want to tell u that no. nice guys don't finish last.
but then i have no back up explanation for what did happen.
it's really. actually. not you. it's me. like. actually.
i wish i could be ur girl too.
i wish i could be that girl again.
i just... don't know how to explain it to u.
u should just write me off as the heartless bitch that i am.
and find a girl that deserves your love.

i'm sorry. i really am.an

好想就这样。
你牵着我的手，一直走到永远。

nts.

cxy,
我求你了。
没有下一次了，好么？
am 到最后。只有一个人受伤。
你自己。
求你了。
放。

i am a rambling broken mess on very lil sleep and a lot of drinking this week.

1. i still struggle with some things. like him&her. i think it's hilarious. and i find myself creeping on fb over and over again and continue to struggle with it time after time after time. i think it would be hilarious to comment on a picture of them together. it's cute. really is. i just... break out in random unstoppable laughter silently inside. awkward but funny. i hope this is karma. and i hope this means i'm off the hook on that account payable.

2. some times its awesome to have TBF as a cover. i love how it has managed to delude everyone and shield from the real culprit. also funny how i'm pretty much over it before anyone even noticed in the first place. lol. i am a bundle of emotions all tangled together.

3. i'm... ready for a new beginning.

4. i want to say "... no more games. i promise you. no more games. it's just u and me now. no one else. and we'll make it work." but i can't. and i don't. and i won't. but it's true. today. i wish i was another girl. i wish i was 14. and i would not let pride get in the way. and i'd make u stay. and we'd grow old together like u said. i wish i was 15. and i wouldn't have taken ur crap and i would've believed. and i wouldn't have let go. i wish i was 16 and i wouldn't have hurt u the way i did. and i wish i were someone else w/o the ambition and the family and the responsibilities. and we would've been okay. i wish i was 17 and i wouldn't have let u take advtg the way u did and i wouldn't have blamed myself and i wouldn't feel and hurt the way i did. i wish i was 18 and wouldn't have let u go again. i wish i weren't me and there weren't all these lines and rules and standards and responsibilities and requirements. i wish we didn't have to play games. and i wish i could wipe the slate clean.

5. i hate cloudy days.

4.

解脱。

我突然发现我解脱了。

很意外的解脱了。

没想到这个realization居然发生在纽约。

坐在纽约chinatown的ktv里。突然发现很多曾经让我很有感触的歌，很多年陪我走过跟多路，很多事，很多人的歌... 曾经让我到一半就跑出去的歌。 突然什么感觉都没有了。

只是很开心和朋友在一起。 真的很开心。 

眼里只有大家一起玩一起唱一起跳的幸福。好开心。

原来，我真的解脱了。也毕业了。

有些好笑。

我终于可以没有疙瘩的去面对未来了。

今晚让我觉得我没有伤口。没有疤痕。没有包袱。

可以没有任何顾虑的笑。

歌词只是歌词。音乐只是音乐。

真的很开心。好谢谢他们。=)

错觉。

很帅