random reflections on a chilly November night.

- JUST realized. this is INSANELY long. o.O -

so this has been a highly anticipated post... mostly by me. lol... as I have been keeping myself from blogging until I finished all three assignments. and now they're done. mostly anyway =D. so now I get to talk endlessly =P.

Last week a friend of mine who's also here on exchange came to me, complaining that they were bitter about China, due to the meanness of people, the lack of civilized politeness, and random things that happen... well... only in China. So I've been thinking about it too. I know I've spent the majority of this blog talking about how much I love Beijing, and it's true. But at the same time, it doesn't mean that things don't bother me.

Given everything that has happened to me since arriving in Beijing two and a half months ago... including being kicked out by dear relatives, being homeless, being hit by a car, yelling and basically threatening our tour guide and driver in Guilin, actually fighting with stupid store vendors in Beijing - these were the big events.... there is also constant fighting against traffic, dealing with rude people, glaring at chain smokers and spitters everywhere, and other nusances that I would have never imagined having to deal with back in Canada. But despite of it all, none of it has really affected me much.

I think... it's a matter of standards. of what one chooses to care about and what one chooses to just... let go. Coming back, I knew that I have already imagined Beijing into perfection, and I would be horribly disappointed coming back like that. So in a way, I have already prepped myself by imagining China to be the worst it could possibly be. On the other hand, I really do believe that it would be unfair to judge China and Chinese people with standards that seem so commonplace to us in North America. As is... I think fighting traffic and avoiding near collisions (wow you know you're reading too much strategy when you write "collusion" instead of collision) so yes, avoiding collisions and sometimes, just walking away from a collision, a part of life in Beijing. There are times where I do get mad. I turn around and glare/cut eye. If i get really mad I yell and sometimes swear at them in English... it's not like they can hear or even understand me, but it's like my lil way of letting out that frustration. Conversely, sometimes there's a nice taxi that let's me go instead of trying to run me over purposely, and I smile and raise my hand to say thank you like we would've in Canada... not that they'd understand... but again... it's these small things that keep me sane, these small things that ... "preserve" my "integrity"? I don't know if this makes sense.

None of this makes me angry, not in the way that other people get annoyed/angry at the way China is. A big part of it is just... accepting it all as part of China. like.... we really can't judge and ask Beijing to be Toronto (except Beijing is so much better), but you know what I mean. I think it's a choice. In other words, I've either become extremely great at forgetting things that make me unhappy, or I have been extremely suppressed in the past while, or I have just become a very numb person. Correction, I don't think I have become numb, I'm still very easily excited and happy =D. So I must have just become numb to anything that upsets me. =].

And we're back to this. I like Beijing. I think it calms me down. It... keeps me grounded and... simply... accepting of it all. [ but then as most of u know. i am a different person everyday =P ]

Been thinking lately (I realize this is getting long, but hey, this has all been bottled up while I was procrastinating my assignments =P). Sometimes... the way I live my life, the pace at which I ride my bike through Beijing traffic, among other things... sometimes... I think I must have a death wish. The way I live... it's like a blatant disregard for life. and I just don't care. May be it's exchange, because it doesn't feel like it's real.

On a different note, Cari said the other day that I undervalue friendship. I've been thinking about it and I realize it's true. But I must also be forgiven for this unfortunate mindset. This concept of friendship... or... friends that stay, friendships that last.... is a very new and foreign idea for me. I undervalue friendship because I don't know what it's like to grow up with someone, to have the same "best friend" for more than two years, or any of that. So I undervalue friendship. Because in my life, friendship has been a fragile function of where I live, what school I goto, or if my friend is in a relationship. It's funny. things like Facebook and MSN are supposed to keep people in touch and make communication easier. Contrarily... it feels as though... the easier it is to keep in touch, the more "friends/contacts" there are, .... the louder the silences. .... but all that aside. I guess I realize I should start valuing friendships more... as unreliable as they do seem.... I am grateful. the fact that u're here in Beijing with me.... everything happens for a reason. and whatever that reason is. i'm.... thankful that u're here =).

I apologize for this. I'm happy. I really am. I wish I could go clubbing every night. I wish I could goto every class. I wish I could be surrounded by friends all the time. I wish I can just chill on my own. And to varying degrees. I'm living it all now. and I'm back in Beijing. There's not much more I can ask for.

However, I walked to school today, as a result of Mo making me leave my bike at school yesterday. And as I walked out of my building area.... I must have been surrounded by something like. at LEAST a dozen of Blue Jays (I know what Blue Jays look like because of Toronto Blue Jays. But I have never seen a Blue Jay in toronto. -_-") I've seen a couple here and there before, but never like... a HERD of Blue Jays all together, flying around in the autumn leaves... and made me realize. Maybe I really am rushing through life too fast. I pass by the same area every morning. Why have I never noticed so many Blue Jays before? Because I bike at the speed of public transit everywhere I go. I feel like there's so much to do in Beijing and there's not enough time, so I do all that I can with the least amount of time possible.... it's one night after another. one... let's call them distractions... after another... but maybe it is time to slow down and chill and enjoy the scenery along the way.

... I blame this random reflectiveness on autumn in Beijing... (Anne of Green Gables did call November the most depressing month of the year.... and as gloriously as the sun shines in Beijing instead of Kingston's constant gloominess, it IS november =P) and being bottled up for too long by stupid assignments =p. like. GOSH. who does work on exchange..... =P.

this is all. tho i must say. i miss u. hence the necessity of distractions..
i miss hugs. Chinese people do not hug. so tee is very hug-deprived... ='(

i miss u guys.
- tng. it'll be okay. don't over analyze. =)
- mwong. u're not allowed to go study w/ kj. esp not in my face ='(
- ksingh. that facebook msg made my day. made my week. add oil =)
- btai. "is there halloween where u r?" oh dear u. lol. thk u for rmbing =)
- wfang. i wish u'd get here sooner. for longer. u need to stop randomly disappearing =(